Rancor!!

-So I hear Mandy Candy's doing well...

I saw a twitter post that said it was. Good Vibes posted that. So I guess it's true. I haven't had much feedback.

-Who's Good Vibes?

A company that makes and sells sex toys but also produces porn movies. They do a lot of queer stuff I think. Mandy Candy isn't queer porn though.

-What did they say?

The tweet (I hate that word) said it was their top selling dvd.

Trailer here: www.mandycandy.net



*Get YOUR copy from the link on www.mandymorbid.com and I'll get some of the money.*

-What else you been doin'?

Umm planning my holiday trip back home, Christmas shopping/homemaking presents (I always start very early so I'm finished now just have to wrap 'em), went to Belladonna and Kimberly Kane's Winter Wonderland benefit for AIM (which went very well.)

Oh, I was in NYC about a month ago and I got to see my lovely and elegant and oh so punk rock fashion designer wife from Berlin and we got to fuck and have our photos taken in her stunning clothes (her website is http://www.anthracite.de/ )







And then she got sick which sucked. And then I got sick when I got home. So there was some recovering.

I shot a new set for Suicide Girls at Kimberly's house which I'm hoping will get approved for member review before the end of the month. Kimberly and I have been going to the gym a lot. You can't tell by the photos though. I also shot with Gia Jordan for Fox Magazine, that should be out in April they tell me.

I've been playing Zelda Twilight Princess on my Wii and Speed Racer on the Playstation 2 and a wee bit of D'nD with my girl friends. We got Kimberly into it too now! And I just started playing World of Warcraft last night after years and years of not having a computer that could run it. I have a trial account right now but one of my awesome fans got me an account and a copy of the game to install and I should be all set up this weekend! I find it very relaxing so I'll have to be careful not to play too much, I'll get addicted. And I'm kind of a lone wolf so I play alone as much as possible since making in-game friends seems awkward to me. Online social anxiety disorder.

Soo, if any of you have guilds you wouldn't mind having a low level newb in-- "hi" --I'm here.

Umm, what else have I been up to? Oh yeah, Vice was shooting some stuff of KK so they all came over here and we made a day of it. That was pretty nifty.

I've been reading more Jack Vance and some Nabokov short stories.

-I saw that you were at that benefit, what's up with that?

KK had been planing that benefit for months and she worked so hard. I'm glad they raised so much money for something we (me and my adult film performing friends) care about. Safe sex is important! Also important is the fact that we all looked so totally hot that night. Evidence of our collective hotness:







-That was important. What happened at the benefit?

They auctioned off a date with Belladonna, KK, Sasha Grey, and Joanna Angel. Faye Reagan told me she had a crush on me--which I'm obviously happy about--since she's so cute. Andy San Dimas was drunk and hugged me a lot, which also made me happy. It was a good party, I had fun, all my friends were there. Sasha touched my boobs a lot. Zak and I went out to dinner after with her and her boy Ian. She kept trying to see when my nipples popped out of my dress because apparently it's better when you see nipples accidentally rather than just asking to see 'em. So that was that.

Also Lexi Belle touched my boob too.



-Did you bid on any of the dates?

No. But if I had the money I would have bid for Bella 'cause I haven't really met her yet. I mean, I've met her but I've never really spoken to her.

-I don't think you'd have to pay Belladonna to talk to her...

I wouldn't be paying her if I bid on her, I'd be donating to AIM. That's why it was a charity event.

-Oh, right. Um, so what's it like going to AIM to get tested? Is there a ton of porno sluts lounging around reading National Geographic?

There isn't a ton of porno sluts. Sometimes it's busy but usually there's a few people there, and more come in as the others leave. Kind of a steady flow I guess. They have weird high-school/college-guidance counsellor-only adult-themed art. The people who work there are kind of awesome. There's no National Geographic but I would like it if there were. There's copies of AVN magazine and educational pamphlets in a bunch of different languages about STIs and the HPV vaccine. And also pamphlets advertising various facial and body beauty procedures.

-That would be a really weird plot for a porn movie...

Probably yes.

Rancor!!


P.S: This is my Wish List, 'cause you know, 'tis the season to show how much you appreciate me and my free porn. http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/1MLCRJZINR4GM If you do send me something please let me know or include a return address and I'll send you a lil thank you gift!

Check out www.mandymorbid.com to get your copy of Mandy Candy!

And this Saturday (December 5th) is the benefit my friend Kimberly organized (along with Belladonna) for our adult industry medical organization. AIM is non-profit and all the proceeds from this even go to AIM.
Help us keep a trusted STI and HIV testing clinic open and performers safe!

Mandy Candy

Not safe for work trailer for Mandy Candy:

http://mandycandy.net/

You can order it here !


I've been in New York. I don't check my email much or bother to get on a computer when I travel so I apologize for my depriving you of updates on my site and responses to emails. But I'm home now.

Cute?

>So I see you made Coco cum here--was that fun?

Looks like it. Okay. Fine. It was fun.

>You make it sound really boring.

More fun to do it than talk about it. Talking about it is kind of boring.

>I think this might be the cutest porn ever. There's no award for that--"cutest porn".

Cute 'cause of the giggling and mild awkwardness?

>It didn't seem awkward to me...

I think it just seems a bit that way to me when I edit it. Filmed it awhile ago.

>Anyway it was really cute, like I thought puppies eating birthday cake would explode out of it at any second.

Puppies eating birthday cake seems kinda gross to me so I'll just pretend you said My Little Ponies from the 80's and Rainbow Brite and whatever. Thank you.

>Puppies riding My Little Ponies on a puffy cloud where Rainbow Brite lives with those things that eat stars from Spirited Away.

Excellent.

>Was that your artistic aim?

I hardly ever have artistic aim. I'm more the impulsive type.

>Speaking of aim, what's up with AIM?

AIM is our adult industry medical organization. It's non-profit. From what I understand it has debts from a legal battle with Cal-OSHA: "Defendants California Department of Industrial Relations, Division of Occupational Safety and Health, Lee Welsh, and their agents and employees, are restrained from compelling or seeking to compel the disclosure of confidential medical records, HlV test information, and personal identifying information of Plaintiff and other patients of AIM without the specific written authorization of such patients; and 2. Defendant Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation is restrained from disclosing confidential medical records, HlV test information."--and now: "AIM has unpaid debts arising out of this case in excess of $170,000 dollars, and if those debts are not paid, AIM's clinics face the very real possibility of having to close its clinic's doors for good before the year is out."
(Copied and pasted from AIM's website.)

Performer's pay for STI and HIV testing out of pocket. Go to a regular doctor's office and ask for a HIV/PCR DNA test and they'll charge you half your month's rent. Plus most places don't do the HIV/PCR DNA test that AIM provides (unless you specifically ask for it.) Along with regular testing for other STIs as well as counseling services. Performers get tested every three weeks, or more often, or if you are like me and only work a few times a year before each movie/scene.

"The HIV/PCR DNA qualitative test will detect early HIV infection by looking for the inhibitory substance of the HIV virus itself. This test typically will find HIV between 10 and 14 days after exposure.

The HIV Elisa test looks for the person’s antibody response to the HIV virus. This test will detect HIV between 6 weeks and 6 months of exposure."

If AIM shuts down there will be lots of porn stars unwilling to perform since doing so would be putting themselves at much greater risk.

>I see. Well, that's considerably less cute.

Yeah. Considerably.

>So what else've you been up to?

Getting tit-fucked by the sexiest boy ever. Going to the gym with Kimberly. Doing laundry. Trying to write a D&D adventure (I procrastinate.) Reading Lord of the Rings again but it's boring in parts. Watching all the Sopranos seasons for the first time. On season 3 so far. Watching Zak draw. Trying to find plans for Halloween. Got a costume together--part bought (and altered)--part stuff I already owned. Having text conversations with my little sister back home. Not doing my Hungarian lessons even though I want to. Hanging out online in various places. Got a new bra that fits perfect! (28FF on the UK tag--28H US size)



That kind of stuff. Not that interesting I bet. No crazy threesomes with hot sluts or traveling recently. Waiting for Mandy Candy to come out next month!

>What're you gonna be for Halloween?

Batmandy! I don't want to get a red wig though so I'm using my own hair.

-Like because Batgirl had red hair?

Yeah. I have a brown wig but Zak says it doesn't suit me. (There's a version of Batgirl with brown hair too.)

-Which parts of the Lord of the Rings is boring?

It's boring up until they get to Rivendell pretty much. Then some fun elvish/dwarvish/wizardy story stuff happens.

-Would you have volunteered to take that ring to the volcano?

Could I like, fuck Aragorn along the way?

-I feel like he'd be clingy.

You know I don't even know I'd care. Never happened to me before. I don't know what that's like.

-He'd be all brushing your hair like he does with that horse and talking in his nasal emo voice...

You can't brush my hair it's too short. But if it wasn't I don't think I'd mind. I like it when people I like touch me. His voice is nasal but not emo. Emo sounds like this or this or anything Frodo says ever.

-You learn something new every day.

Boobs and Things

-So the thing I hear is you've got this movie that's about to come out...

Yup! It comes out in November. It's called "Mandy Candy" and it was directed by Kimberly Kane (who also performs in it.) I saw it for the first time a couple days ago and it looks amazing. The trailer should be out soon. Some pics we took while shooting it are posted in one of the last blogs.

-Who do you fuck?

Kimberly Kane and Zak Sabbath. And I help Devi Lynn out a bit during her solo. A lot of the movie was filmed in my apartment. (So all you voyeurs get a peak into my home.)

-Don't we usually get a peek into your home?

Oh that's right! I forgot. My bed yeah, and sometimes the video game consoles show up. The shots are different in Mandy Candy, not as POV-ish or close in as the vids on my website. And there's a bit in my bathroom that I really like.

-So what's with that giant rabbit thing in your bed with the ears?

That's Kuromi. Zak Sabbath found her in Little Tokyo and we brought her home.

-Is it true that Kuromi is always trying to cause trouble for that rabbit that looks like Hello Kitty but isn't? And, if so, why? Because that rabbit is cute.

My Melody? I dunno why, Kuromi must just be mischievious by nature. I have a My Melody makeup bag. It's very small though. I think I need a bigger one. It's My Melody with strawberries and it reminded me Strawberry Shortcake from when I was little....man it's hard to type when I don't have my contacts in or glasses on...

-I hear Tera Patrick has an all-Hello Kitty room and boys aren't let inside. Do cute anthropomorphic animals turn women into sex perverts?

They are probably sex pervs to begin with. I would like to see this Hello Kitty room Tera has.

-Isn't, like, your friend's boyfriend in her boyfriend's band or something?

He was. I don't know if he still is.

-It must be weird to be in Hello Kitty's boyfriend's band. I wonder if she goes to shows...

Yeah...-That would be so fucked up if she was like "Hey, you guys were awesome!" and then was like giving the drummer a blowjob in the bathroom after the show with her big wide head...

Yeah. You know I can't recall having ever given someone a blowjob in a bathroom.

-Plus she doesn't have a mouth...

Good point.

-I know I'm supposed to ask you more questions but I can't stop thinking about that Hello Kitty blowjob.

Ok...





-Um. I totally had a question all ready to go, but...ummm...

Sometimes I want lips like the girl in that last pic. And hair. But yeah, sexy girls and Hello Kitty. It's a thing.

-Things are good.

Right.

-Things with boobs and...things.

Adultcon and Bizarre

I'm going to be at Adultcon with Kimberly Kane this weekend! So if you're in LA you'd better come say "hi" to us.

And I'm up on Bizarre Magazine's website!
http://www.bizarremag.com/alt-girls/pin-ups/8152/mandy_morbid.html

Mandy Candy Candids!

Here are some behind the scenes photos from today's shoot with Kimberly Kane. (Click the pics to view full size.)

I am awake and online way too early today.

Um. If you want to see "crappy" webcam pics of me and my tits you should follow me on Twitter. Examples below.












And I found these pics of me from Riot Girls (shot back in March) this morning. The makeup is a bit weird. If you want to see 'em bigger you can click on 'em. Like, my butt will be bigger.

Mandy Morbid Vs. Death Frost Doom

(So I played the D&D module "Death Frost Doom" yesterday, here's a report from my friend who ran it.)

If any of you are following or involved in the Old School Dungeons & Dragons revival, then you've probably heard of Death Frost Doom, the new adventure written by Old School D&D Blog Overlord James Edward Raggi IV.

It has gotten rave reviews around the Old School D&D blogworld for its creepy and fatalistic atmosphere, as well as its horror-movie-like cruelty. Most people run through it die or go insane or both. Plus you can download it for 5 bucks off the web.

Anyway, Mandy was bored today and her eye was infected so she couldn't play video games, so we downloaded Death Doom Frost and ran it as a solo adventure.

Here's how it went:

(WARNING: SPOILERS! IF YOU PLAN TO PLAY THIS MODULE, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER)

(HOWEVER, MANDY IS CONSIDERING MAYBE GOING BACK TO THIS PLACE LATER, SO THERE ARE NO SPOILERS FOR THINGS IN THE ADVENTURE THAT MANDY
DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT YET)

So in addition to her old stand-by, Tizani Ildiko, 3rd Level Cleric of Vorn, Mandy rolled up a Dwarf Fighter (Gowron) and an Elf Sorceress (Ilona)--both first level.

(Gamers may want to know at this point what system we used--we used a mongrel of 1st edition AD&D (because that's what we'd been playing with our friends up until now and because we like it) and edition 3.5 (because that's all Mandy has the books for at the moment because someone gave them to her)(However, edition ended up not mattering at all much because see below).

So I tell Mandy that the Sister Superior of Vorn has told her to fetch a certain book that is rumored to be on a mountiantop, in a place of great evil. Then I put on "Ceremony of Opposites" by Samael. ( I would've put on colder, doomier things like Wolves In The Throne Room and Amebix's "Winter" but I played them to death during our last session which was heavy on wolf demons, witches, hunters and other wintry paganisms.)

Mandy laughs because "There is a place of great evil in the wilderness" is exactly what a priestess says at the beginning of Diablo and you hear it a million times if you play Diablo.

So anyway, these three trudge up the frozen mountain and encounter the weird old backwoods disturbing hick who warns you not to go up to the cabin on top of the mountain.

Now, there is a thing that will happen if you fuck with this guy, and a thing that will happen if you try to walk past him when he warns you not to head up the mountain.

But Mandy did not do these things. She pretended to be going around the mountain, walked off into the woods, then continued the path up to the cabin, so neither of these things happened.

Mandy heard The Disturbing Sounds and did not follow them to their source.

Then Mandy saw The Nightmarish Tree. She gave The Nightmarish Tree a wide berth.

Nor did she investigate The Stone Well. Likewise she saw The Frozen Corpse and fucked not with it. Nor did she do any of the things you're not supposed to do in The Graveyard.

Not having much else to do, she went into The Cabin.

She looked at The Clock, The Bizarre Painting, The Harpsichord, The Chairs That Are Facing You When You Come Through The Door and The Deer Head and none of these did she fuck with.

She took the Purple Powder and because she had a Dwarf and a Sorceress with her, knew that it could Drive You Mad Or Turn You Into A God and put it in her pack. She saw the Dead Guy's Stuff and took it.

She used a spell to decrypt the writing on the walls, then took this note--"Runic writing says bad things".

Then she went down into the Trap Door.

She fucked not with the Screaming Faces On The Wall, went through the Demon Head Carved Door and into the Room With The Skeleton Hands. She did not fuck with the hands.

I told her "You see a sigil on the door, it looks like This" (and showed her a picture).

I said "It fills you with unease and nausea" she said "I knew you'd say that."

The CD ended and I put on Cradle of Filth, which was perfect for a second because at the beginning of the album there's creepy choral music and just as the voices began to spiral up, she entered...

The Demonic Chapel--
wherein Mandy fucked not with the Pews, nor the Organ of Bone, nor the Skulls on Hooks, nor the basins with teeth (except reaching into one to pull out the treasure and taking some unholy water), nor the Jewelled Dagger and Necklace, ("I'm not a thief, so I left them--I figured the altar was carved like a skull mouth so it might clamp shut or something"), nor the Demonic Murals, Nor The Door That Leads East.

I got sick of Cradle of Filth and put on Sleep.

Mandy then investigated The Crypts of the Priests, Warriors, and Commoners respectively and got all the gold out of the crypts. She did not go down the spiral staircases.

She investigated The Embalming Room and took the Book that was there, but did not read it.

She went into the room with the eyepiece and the books on pedestals, she took the eyepiece and put it in a sack.

She went into The Bloodstained Prayer Room and did not translate any of the writing.

She went right past the Room With The Black Fountains.

Then she got to The Plant Monster.

Now, you'll notice absolutely nothing has happened so far. If you know the module, you'll also know that killing the plant monster--for complex reasons--causes the dead to rise from their graves. And there's no way the players can know this.

So here, as the referee, I am getting excited, finally, somethings going to happen: Mandy can't get the book she's been sent here to get without getting past this plant.
She can see it there on the other side of this plant.

Also over there is a Gold Altar, an Inscription, A Pit, And Two Gold Cups.

So, she starts killing this plant. Acid, axe, axe, axe. Now it's dead. It almost kills her dwarf but she heals the dwarf. So she's past the plant.

Unbeknownst to her, the dead begin to rise from their graves.

I tell Mandy "There's a book--it matches the description of the book you've been sent to get, along with two cups, and..."

"We grab the book and the cups and run back the way we came."

"So you're just..."

"Yeah."

So then the players run, full speed, out of the dungeon, they run into some of the living dead, who scrape up the sorceress and kill the dwarf, but the party just keeps running, past the skeletons underground, past the ghouls above ground, and down the mountain.

And that's that and the adventure is over and now an army of undead walks the earth. "That's not my problem," says Mandy.

"Mandy," I say "everybody who runs this module has everybody die or goes insane or at least they find it really creepy, but you just ran in, got the stuff and left, scott free. How the hell did you do that?"

(Mandy is not a terribly experienced RPGer, this is her seventh night out.)

"I've played video games, I've played Zelda and Diablo--I know when you go around in a crypt the dead are going to come back. I know you just run in and get the stuff and leave. I mean, they sent me to get the book, I got it. It sucks that the dwarf had the purple powder--but I can go back for that later."

"So, um, did you like the adventure?"

"It was fun, I mean, it wasn't as creepy as (the last adventure we played), but y'know, it was good despite being a bit predictable."

That's Mandy's review.

My personal dungeon master review--

It says right in the introduction:

"Careful and methodical adventurers will be able to find a great deal of treasure with absolutely no personal risk, but a number of adventurers may feel that this is not an
exciting adventuring location...if they are clever enough to never meet any opposition, they will likely be unsatisfied with the adventure as a whole without realizing how lucky they were."

Now, Mandy got the best of both worlds--it was easy and she got a lot of treasure, plus she did think it was fun. I, on the other hand, had a good enough time but just kept thinking what it would've been like if the group had included some of my other, less clearheaded, players.

I may have fucked this module up by running it right after an adventure that was already culty and creepy and full of demon terror (and using up all my best doom metal in the background). When I read Death Frost Doom, I thought the whole nothing-happens-in-the-whole-first-half-of-the-adventure-but-it's-all-creepy-and-that-builds-tension-thing was excellent, and a nice play on player expectations, but Mandy seemed to take it all in stride. Maybe it's just really hard to make a one-on-one adventure scary. Maybe you can't get the proper claustrophobia when you don't have several personalities all bickering about which door to take. Maybe none of that matters because Mandy had fun anyway. Maybe I'm just being the crazy dungeon master who imagines all the lunacy that could have been rather than the cut-and-dry cut-and-run scenario that Mandy pulled off. Maybe the most promising thing is that Mandy wants to go back later to get that purple powder.

(Anyway if any of you D&D people want to send me more modules to play I'll review 'em and post it here.)

(Also here is a link to the guy who created "Death Frost Doom"'s site http://lotfp.blogspot.com/)

Busy, busy!

Just a quick update so you don't all think I've abandoned you.

Last you heard I was traveling with Zak Sabbath all around on his book tour.

We haven't been in LA much.

Presently we are house and dog sitting for a friend in SoHo, New York.

I also took a 12 hour bus ride up to Canada to visit my family. Transferring in Montreal was heart wrenching, I want to live there again so much. Montreal looks like nowhere else I've ever been and I love it. The crumbling overpasses and decrepit looking factories that surround the city, the maples trees and cathedrals, the rusty bridges, the strange buildings and structures that were built for the world fair and the Olympics, it is a beautiful place. The bus drives right by the neighbourhood I grew up in. Not far from LaRonde. I watched the firework competitions from my bedroom window every summer.

I will go home someday.

Anyway, my lil sister came back to New York with me, stayed for a few days. I had to show her around because she'd never been here before, we had to go shopping a lot, of course and we explored places I never bothered to get to when I lived here. (I didn't have any friends that first year so I didn't go out much.)

It's been very, very, busy. We went to the Central Park zoo, we went to Times Square twice, we went to the Met (I adore the Met and so did she, being a second year anthropology and sociology double major, naturally), we wandered all around the east village (that is maybe the only area of NYC I know well, aside from Bushwick), found a rare $80 copy of the original Ogre Battle for the SNES for our lil brother, ate lots of pizza, we participated in the Paping Soap Box Derby that Zak and his friends put on every summer, played lots and lots and lots of Dungeons and Dragons (more about that later), went to Coney Island (where the sis agreed, out of character, to go on the Cyclone with me and then was terrified and tried to hide on me and banged her nose pretty badly as a result of not bracing herself like I told her to), we went to the Aquarium too, picked up some cotton candy to send home to my dad who has a nasty sweet tooth and loves places like Coney Island but doesn't get to travel much himself, and I took her to the Double Down Saloon on her last night. Oh, and we went to Chelsea to pick up some copies of Zak's book from his gallery and see some art. Most of the galleries were installing so she didn't get to see much, but she got the idea.

Ok. D&D: I play a tiefling priestess (Cleric). We play mostly first edition but some people, like me, had characters created for playing different editions (which is why I'm allowed to be half-demon.) I found a magic mace to replace the original mace I bought, but I haven't quite figured out yet exactly how it works. I worship Vorn the God of Iron and Rain. I'm 3rd level (possibly 4th now since we just defeated a necromancer and some demons and found our way out of the dungeon we were stuck in and regained our memories.)

Zak created and ran the module and there were usually about 9 of us playing. It was all very Jack Vance and M. John Harrison and Road of Knives.

My sister plays a half-elf illusionist. In our party we had a dwarf fighter, an elf fighter, an elf ranger-who occasionally would turn into a halfling minotaur due to a spell, a half-orc thief, a half-orc fighter, a half-elf cleric, a half-elf thief, and a human paladin also a worshiper of Vorn.

We have so far defeated an invasion of the Locust Cult, a Medusa, a Vampire Halfling Queen and her minions, some giant toads, a gargoyle, almost got killed by some peacocks, a baby black dragon, a minotaur, and some other stuff. We rescued a goblin alchemist too and a sphinx.

I found some cool books and some mystery potions.

So that's D&D so far. I'm hooked. Like really really.

I'm thinking it would be nice to live on the east coast again, nearer to my family and our friends here. I do miss LA though, but am glad to be away while the fires are happening. I wouldn't be able to leave my apartment at all if I were in Hollywood with all that smoke.

Next, we go to Seattle. Zak is reading from his new book at Bumbershoot.

I did shoot some new content for MandyMorbid.com with Coco Velvett. It's being edited now. Should have something new for you all up soon!

Mandy Morbid's Review of Zak Smith (Sabbath)'s New Book "We Did Porn" + Some Stuff About Canada Day

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Zak Smith (Sabbath)'s "We Did Porn" Book Tour.

--Copied from Zak Smith(Sabbath)'s Suicidegirls blog. I'm going with him on his book tour.

http://www.tinhouse.com/books/books_coming_w_d_porn.htm

--That's ^^ the book. "We Did Porn".

"Rumpus Room San Francisco, CA Tuesday July 7 Time not yet determined therumpus.net/

This is one of those multi-media events full of sex-positive type lesbians doing poems and performances and whatever. It is always hard to know how or what to read at a thing like this. I will just have to boyish-charm through it, is my strategy.


Moe's Books Berkeley, CA Wednesday July 8 7:30 PM www.moesbooks.com Maybe my uncle will be there. I should call him I guess. I got a bunch of cigars for him here.

then we got... City Lights San Francisco, CA Thursday July 9 7:00 PM www.citylights.com City Lights is serious literary turf. They had to book this date like 8 months in advance. Founded by Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Their press published Allen Ginsberg, Bukowski, Andre Breton, others. Some people walk into a place where there's history and they just like that a lot. Like Baudot who's going all over europe right now, enjoying, for all the world, being in places where things happened. I'm not really like that for some reason. Maybe because I'm from washington DC where shit is ALWAYS going down, and it always looks and feels like fuck-all.

Speaking of fuck-all: Barnes and Nobles New Haven, CT Monday July 13 6:00 pm

I am famous in New Haven, Connecticut. Why? Because once I went to the Book Trader coffee shop and ordered a roast beef and goat cheese sandwich and they were out of bread so I got it on two cookies. Went back 5 years later and the clerks were still talking about it. That's how boring New Haven Connecticut is.

Then: Museum of Sex NY Tuesday July 14 7:30 PM http://www.museumofsex.com/

Uh, then: McNally Jackson Booksellers NY Wednesday 15-Jul 7:00 PM mcnallyjackson.com/ I got nothing to say here. Soho. Boring.

Then: St. Mark's NY Thursday 16-Jul 7:30 PM www.stmarksbookshop.com/NASApp/store/IndexJsp

This place is like home. Just downstairs from the Cooper Union dorms--where I lived when I first moved to NYC. I used to go downstairs every day and pour (pore?) through the artbooks. NYC Lower East Side scenester Fly works there, or did. I have no idea where there's supposed to be room to read in there.

Skylight Books Los Angeles, CA Friday July 31 7:30 pm www.skylightbooks.com

This is like my new home. It's good to live near a book store. I went in there once and the guy;s like "Hey , our local celebrity" and I was like Seriously, man, we are in East Hollywood, I cannot even remotely qualify as a celebrity here. Danzig lives around the corner. Though, then I thought--maybe I am the closest thing around here to a celebrity that ever goes into a bookstore. Which is weird--LA is pretty anti-book. I saw Dennis Cooper read and like, 30 people showed up. One of the biggest literary writers living and like 30 people. I read up in Portland and there was a 7$ cover and 75 people showed up. Fucking Los Angeles. "

--Ok. So. This is where we'll be. That's my plans there for the next couple of weeks pretty much. There won't be much updating of my site probably. We'll see what I can manage.

--In the meantime there's that 8 min masterpiece shot by Zak of me giving him a lapdance.

--Sorry for the lack of updates, I've been a busy busy girl.

Help Iranians Cybernetically!

stolen from Boing Boing
Tip #4 is easy, so do it, or set up a new account to do it!

The purpose of this guide is to help you participate constructively in the Iranian election protests through Twitter.

1. Do NOT publicise proxy IP's over twitter, and especially not using the #iranelection hashtag. Security forces are monitoring this hashtag, and the moment they identify a proxy IP they will block it in Iran. If you are creating new proxies for the Iranian bloggers, DM them to @stopAhmadi or @iran09 and they will distributed them discretely to bloggers in Iran.

2. Hashtags, the only two legitimate hashtags being used by bloggers in Iran are #iranelection and #gr88, other hashtag ideas run the risk of diluting the conversation.

3. Keep you bull$hit filter up! Security forces are now setting up twitter accounts to spread disinformation by posing as Iranian protesters. Please don't retweet impetuosly, try to confirm information with reliable sources before retweeting. The legitimate sources are not hard to find and follow.

4. Help cover the bloggers: change your twitter settings so that your location is TEHRAN and your time zone is GMT +3.30. Security forces are hunting for bloggers using location and timezone searches. If we all become 'Iranians' it becomes much harder to find them.

5. Don't blow their cover! If you discover a genuine source, please don't publicise their name or location on a website. These bloggers are in REAL danger. Spread the word discretely through your own networks but don't signpost them to the security forces. People are dying there, for real, please keep that in mind...

p.s. Here's how to set up an alternate IP to help Iranian citizens get around the government firewall:

http://blog.austinheap.com/2009/06/15/how-to-setup-a-proxy-for-iran-citizens/

Melvins, Barney, Etrigan, Golf

-What have you been up to Mandy?

* Gym with Kimberly Kane as usual, went to the driving range with her and Zak and Stoya, watching Justice League cartoons, reading a book about the Met, watching Zak draw...stuff like that.

-You played golf with Stoya?

*Zak, and KK played with Stoya, I pretty much gave up "playing" awhile back because I suck. At most things athletic unless they involve a horse or ice skates or a pool. Or cock. But going to the driving range isn't really playing golf is it? It's just whacking at golf balls. Anyway I mostly watch or keep score if KK and Zak are having a competition. Stoya was almost as bad as I am though. She gave up too.

- Was anybody else at this driving range?

*Oh yeah, we saw Buzz from the Melvins!
(And Satine had a birthday party too, I forgot to mention above. She had like three, but we only went to one of 'em. And we hung out with Daniel/Danny Wylde too--watching him and Zak both sit on my bed and play Star Wars: Battlefront II was awfully exciting, in the hot way. AND I got to see KK "die" in a really awesome looking horror movie that Tommy Pistol was making. Did I remember it all now? Oh. Right. Lots of doctors appointments too.)

- Jesus fuck you're busy...

*I guess so. Yeah.

-What do you think of the Melvins' cover of that Alice Cooper song "Ballad of Dwight Frye"?

*I like it! A lot. It's a great cover. But I like the version I saw Alice perform live better of course.

-So was Buzz all "Holy shit! It's Stoya!"!

*Nah, he didn't get up there until after we were down in the parking lot, loitering while the girls smoked, and Zak noticed him and went back up to see if it was really him--but didn't talk to him or take a picture or anything. Just confirmed it was who he thought it was. I couldn't see very well. My contacts never seem to work as well as I'd like them to.


-Was Stoya all "Holy shit! It's Buzz Osbourne!"?

*I don't remember.

-I guess Buzz is one of those rock stars that NOT all the porn chicks have already slept with...

*You might be right.

-What are you eating?

*Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers. And soon a pill to help me sleep that my doctor put me on when he decided I have Fibromyalgia.

-Are you eating the ones that have the fish with their names on them: "Brooke", "Gilbert", "Finn", and "Xtreme"?

*On the back of the package, yeah, not on the fish crackers.

-Which Fish is the best?

*I always get the one's with Finn. Because they're tasty.

-It says on the bag he's president of "share smiles" foundation. Does that figure into your decision?

*Nope.

-Which episode of Justice League are you watching?

* The one with the Huge Heffner guy having the Halloween party and Morgan (Morganna?) Le Fey and her annoying kid, Mordred. And Etrigan.

-OH MY GOD THE ONE WITH ETRIGAN? THAT ONE IS SO FUCKING AWESOME AND YOU ARE AWESOME FOR WATCHING IT!

*The one with baby Etrigan is pretty cool too.

-I love how he's all creepy and has black lips. That shit'll give children nightmares for decades.

*I dunno. I saw The Exorcist when I was, like, 8. That'll give kids nightmares. Especially Catholic kids. Or Unsolved Mysteries, that scared me. Maybe Etrigan would've too though.

-The fact that there's a "Share Smiles" Foundation and its president's a fish with sunglasses gives me nightmares.

*Yeah....that's pretty scary. I always thought Barney was awfully scary, he came out when my lil brother was a toddler. Ick! He said all kinds of nonsense about "smiles" and crap like that too.

-It would be totally fucked if Barney had black lips and Etrigan was always demanding that people smile...

* Now I'm just gonna picture all the unrealistically cheery kid's characters I can with black lips...

-Is Coco's butt as squeezable and juicy as it looks in movies?

* Pretty much, yup.

- 'sigh'

* Indeed.

Exxotica + Really Long Review of New Star Trek Movie

*So what's up with this video this week here?

-This is me getting tit-fucked by Zak Sabbath and him coming on me.

*What does his cum feel like on you?

-It's warm, wet and varying degrees of sticky--gelatinous, or liquid. And it cools and congeals very quickly and then it's kind of icky sometimes.

*So it's icky once it gets cold?

-Sometimes. If it's more runny or watery or of thinner consistency it's not a problem.

*Interesting. Did you see anyone drink a stripper's breast milk last week?

-Yes I did see that. Well taste would be more accurate. Oooh South Beach Miami. So dirty.

*What were you doing in Miami?

-Was there 'cause my friends were going to be at Exxotica and I have a friend who lives there and it was just good timing. Only I was very very sick the first few days and so I ended up avoiding the convention floor.

*Wasn't there also a lesbian convention at the same time?

-Yup. The lesbians were noisy.

*Noisy?

-They were hollering at each other from across streets and stuff. While sitting at outdoor restaurants even.

*Bi-sexual porn chicks are not noisy?

-I have yet to see a bi-sexual porn girl shout out at anyone they found attractive, male or female, from a distance.

*So you gotta get in close?

-I guess so.

*Was anyone else loud this week?

-An ex-SuicideGirl/ stripper we were hanging out with got drunk and then, yeah, she was loud.

*Was she a lesbian?

-No.

*Are SuicideGirls noisy?

-As far as I can tell, no, not really. At least not the ones I know.

*Are ex-SuicideGirls noisy?

-I only ever met the one, and that was the first time I met her so it's difficult to make a generalization about that.

*But it's fair to say that every single ex-SuicideGirl you ever met was noisy?

-Yes.

*So was there crazy porn star fun in Miami that everyone reading this should be envious that they missed?

-Maybe. My perspective is skewed so I'm not sure what everyone should be envious of. Sitting around for hours drinking and talking with Sasha Grey, Stoya (who occasionally would attack someone for fun) Kimberly Kane, the Popporn boys, Alektra Blue etc...Going to the beach with Nadia Nitro and KK, sitting in bed in a hotel room while Nadia and Kimberly both fall asleep on either side of me while watching the Simpsons and Family Guy...I dunno. Pink mojitos in the pool with Kimberly Kane? Hanging out at a bar with a tipsy Jenna Haze who gets totally excited and psyched about my tits and haircut and who absent mindedly kept humping Zak's leg while she tried to feel up Sasha. Is that worth being envious of?

*Um, from the point-of-view of me? Yes. Yes it is. So what's this about Stoya attacking people? Is she dangerous? Did she attack lesbians?

-No she attacked a boy. Maybe made his nipple bleed. I think I've done that myself at some point....So I don't think she's dangerous just unpredictable, which is fun.

*Did you drink drinks with umbrellas?

-Nope. Not me. But everyone one else did. I had sips of theirs. Brian Bangs ordered Zak a mystery drink one night called a Flaming Lamborghini, which of course was on fire, or sorta, cause it was windy where we were all sitting, but we got the point. He said it was very tasty. Then afterwards we got a few other people to drink 'em too. I think we got Kimberly Kane to drink one. I did however have a couple of Blowjobs, which one of the Popporn boys got on video. So that may pop up online sometime, or maybe not. Who knows.

*Um, at the risk of sounding even more pathetic than I actually am, what's a blowjob?

-Since we were talking about drinks there's this:

"An alcoholic drink.

In a shot glass (NOT a cordial glass):
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1/2 shot Kaluah
Topped with whipped cream as high as you can make it.

After the shot is made, the drinker can do a liptease, and lick some of the cream off the top. If the drink has been bought by somebody else, this is almost a requirement.

The drinker places her hands behind her back, leans over, wraps her lips around the shotglass and straightens up, tilting the head back and swallowing the shot in one gulp.

This is a good way to get free drinks, just make sure you don't choke. It takes a while to master the technique of doing this gracefully and looking sexy."

Which I'm pretty sure I failed at. Since Nadia had to hold my shot glass up for me, though in my defense my shot glass was square shaped and not circular which is pretty awkward to get your mouth around, and I do have a very small mouth.

There's also this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fellatio

*So I see that you are on the box of the new Burning Angel movie...

-Yup. Me and Pixie Pearl. The scene is actually up at www.heavymetalpussyparty.com I still haven't seen the scene or the photos yet. So if you watch it write me and tell me if it's good.

*It's good.

-I know you haven't seen it. So you don't know. Maybe one of us has green goo oozing out of our assholes.

*It's Mandy Morbid and Pixie Pearl. It's hot. It's in the dictionary. Under "hot".

-Fine.

*THANK YOU. ANYway...so I was sta...I mean, following you on Twitter and I noticed you wrote "When a man is in love, is jealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he becomes lost to all reflection" Is that true?

-I have no idea. The quotation marks actually include "...Candide said" so I guess Voltaire thought it was true, but Voltaire strikes me as being batshit insane and not especially clever.

*So you think we DO actually live in the "Best of All Possible Worlds"?

-No. I think if everyone can think of a better world than we should be able to create one. Only we suck and are stupid and selfish and immature and corrupt. So we don't.

*Ummm..well it seems to me then you agree with what Voltaire's saying in Candide, then...

-How should I know I wasn't listening the whole time the audio book was playing. I just listened to like 3 chapters.

*Do you do that a lot? Like put on classic literature on audiobook and ignore half of it? Do you know who won the Trojan War? Do you know if anybody ever found out about Madame Bovary's affair?

-I've never listened to or read Madame Bovary--I heard it was trash. And I do believe it was the Greeks won the Trojan War. Well some Greeks won against some other Greeks cause the Trojans were Greek too right? But yes sometimes I ignore what's on the radio. Maybe Voltaire loses something in the translation. We did Voltaire when I was still in school in Montreal. 7th grade (and in french). I remember the story we did being better than Candide. Or maybe it was just the guy they had reading it on my version of the audiobook sucked.

*Who's better: Voltaire the philosopher, or Voltaire the goth who did "Banned on Vulcan", or Voltaire the SuicideGirl?

-I like Voltaire Suicide best. I don't know what you're talking about with this goth "Banned on Vulcan" thing. But I just google it and it looks amazingly stupid. And I'm a huge Star Trek fan. And it looks amazingly stupid.

*Does it upset you that Voltaire called Canada "A few acres of snow"?

-A little bit. Canada is larger than the U.S.A--Oh and "Banned on Vulcan" doesn't make much sense to me, cause it seems likely that the Vulcans are so logical and in control of what's going on that they would never need to "ban" anything. Which Voltaire said that?

*Speaking of Vulcans, did you see that utterly retarded movie?

-3 times.

*Were those times utterly retarded?

-Nope.

Although I think a lot of the movie could have been way better and they or someone could have put way way way more effort into it/parts of it.

And there were stupid typical hollywood unnecessary redundant nonsense scenes (example the young Kirk stealing a car scene--typical tacky hollywood bullshit and ugh product placement, and the young Spock talking to his father about how he's troubled and half-human--yeah WE KNOW ALREADY-- obnoxiously obvious attempt to demonstrate Spock's emotional issues--felt like the movie was trying to manipulate me into feeling a certain way about the character and that's never a good sign--the bit of green blood they showed was cute though.)

And the villains and their whole origin/plot were really really weak and annoying and aesthetically awful--like-come-on-tribal-tattoos-in-space-don't-even-look-or-act-like-Romulans-ugh-so-devoid-of-creativity!!

And other things too...

BUT I am such a Star Trek addict that I still loved it anyway. I think it was very well cast and I'm looking forward to seeing the new cast really get more into the classic characters. New Kirk had a few great classic Kirk moments, new Spock too, although there weren't enough of the classic Nimoy-Spock expressions and mannerisms for my taste. Kirk and Spock both are totally hot too (but original Nimoy Spock was way hotter), so that helps. New McCoy was utterly brilliant and got Bones bang on, Scotty was great, Chekov and Sulu were good too.

Oh and Vulcan looked beautiful.

And simply, it was just a pleasure to see NEW Star Trek. The re-done spaceships, etc. I get goosebumbs when I see "NCC-1701" span across the starry screen. The alternate reality thing was a great idea since it doesn't upset fans attached to the "original" Trek history. I grew up on Star Trek. My sister, my dad and I all bonded over Star Trek. I had the fucking TNG video interactive board game when I was 11, my sister and I watched everyday after school (in high school) the Original Series, then TNG, then Deep Space Nine, then Voyager. (Space channel in Canada is awesome-by-the-way.) OF COURSE I'm going to love it.

I might have to go see it again. Like I watch all the seasons of all the shows (except Enterprise) over and over again on dvd, and I watch Star Wars (the original 3) over and over again and would get so so excited to them in theatre. Why is this any different?

*Star Trek sucks.

-Whatever. Most sci-fi sucks unfortunately--except for first 3 Star Wars, Blade Runner, Alien, Alphaville, and the Fifth Element. And Star Trek.

*Did you see that Star Trek porn movie Sasha just did?

-I saw a clip. They did her Vulcan eyebrows wrong....see now I'm just gonna be all ultra-fan on you.

*Does it strike you as strange that you spent all weekend frolicking in an exotic tropical locale with famous porn stars and you have way less to say about it than you do about seeing some movie every one else in the country also saw?

-No. The talking about the frolicking thing is I would be gossiping about my friends and who wants to do that to their friends on the internet? Not me. And I'm glad to be home from Miami. You know how at the end of vacations all you want to do is be home in your own bed? If we had of been talking about Miami while I was IN Miami I probably would have had more to say. At the moment though I haven't got much to think about aside from sex, my medical problems and getting to my doctors appointments on time, and then making more appointments and then Star Trek.

*What if your doctor was that Star Trek doctor and he was always all "Dammit Mandy, I'm a doctor, not a..." (whatever you were treating him like)?

-I'd be all "Well that's perfect 'cause I don't need a "whatever-I-was-treating-him-like" I need a doctor. Despite what I was treating you like. Can't you tell with that tricorder thingy that I need a doctor? Most people can tell just by hanging out with me for a few hours."

*Yeah, I guess that, umm, makes sense. Ok, is that it for this week?

-Yes. Bedtime.

Snow Beasts

*So I see this week we are confronted with yet more sapphic shenanigans featuring you and the adorable miss Coco Velvett...

-Yup.

*How does Coco'spussy taste?

-Like a fucking pussy.

*So you are of the pinion that they are all alike?

-Pretty much. Maybe I just haven't tasted enough.

*I see. What else have you been up to?

- I've been sick. A lot. I've been watching episodes of Deadwood. Sometimes it's an ok show, other times it's tedious and predictable. I've also started reading Perdido Street Station by China Mieville. Same assessment pretty much, good and entertaining at times and at others tedious and predictable.

*Perhaps it would be possible to arrange things so that every time, say, the sheriff and his wife were whining about their dead baby, you'd be reading one of the good parts of PSS and every time Mieville starts to slack off, there'd be a gunfight or unanaesthetized surgery scene on Deadwood...

-That would be nice. Oh I was also healthy enough one day this week to do some laundry. Youpi.

*"Youpi"? What the hell does "Youpi" mean?

-Like "hooray" but I'm from Montreal. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Youpi

*According to that wikipedia entry, it is also the name of a "french/swiss jazzmetal quartet" whatever the fuck that is. Ok--I am playing a track by Youpi--found it on youtube--what do you think of this song?

-I have a bit of a headache already. So, I guess I don't think very highly of it, though I would have expected worse.

*Yeah, I feel like when you say "french/swiss jazzmetal" you prepare for fairly apocalyptic levels of suck. But these guys are just kinda--well "tedious and predictable" would be the phrase of the week, I suppose. ANYWAY: let us go to the mailbag...Bairdduvessa expresses a preference that you dress up like Marvel super-heroines and get fucked rather than DC ones. What do you think of that?

-*shrugs* I know DC characters better than Marvel ones--'cause my dad brought more DC stuff home when I was a kid so I don't know if I am informed enough to have a real opinion on that subject. My decision would be based on which costumes appeal my actual fashion sense and which showed the most skin. I can't say at all if that's DC heroines or Marvel ones. And I don't feel like looking it up.

Oh...I also shaved my mohawk off.

*So does that mean you are now bald?

-I was, now it's starting to grow out fuzzy. Does that still count as bald?

*Hey, save me from asking a million questions and just tell us the whole scoop with your long-term and immediate hair plans...

-I don't have any plans yet. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I might grow the mohawk back only different, or I might let most of it grow back like a real girls hair and dye all sorts of fun colours and just shave a small part of it. Or I might just keep getting so ill and sleepless and irritated that I keep shaving it all off just to suffer through the razor burn as a means of distraction from all the other pain. I do quite enjoy picking scabs off my head.

*What do you think of this tibetan scroll painting of a vengeful 6-armed tulpa?
(www2.lib.virginia.edu/exhibits/dead/images/vajra.jpg

-I like it.

*Also in the mailbag, Ben says he never puts his dick in crazy. What do you think of that?

-Do attractive women who aren't crazy even exist? If they do, I'd sure like to meet one some day.

*Is Coco crazy?

-Of course. She's not boring. I have sneaking suspicion that 'not crazy" is code for "dull".

*What did you get for your birthday?

-An Aldous Huxley book, two Mad magazines from the mid 90's, some glow in the dark stars to stick on my ceiling, and a notebook and some drawing stuff and a drawing, an anime action figure called Pocco and a book full of anime character drawings, oh a trip to Disneyland with lots of my friends.

*Which rides did you ride?

-Space Mountain, the Haunted House, It's A Small World, and the Matterhorn.

*Was there vomiting?

-No.

*If there was a zombie or mutant invasion during your birthday and you had to and commandeer and fortify a Disneyland ride and protect it from ravenous marauders with the aid of your birthday guests, which ride would you choose?

-It's a tie between It's A Small World and Pirates Of The Caribbean.

*That would be fucked if you sniped at ravenous invaders while taking cover behind like animatronic llamas in "It's A Small World".

-Yes. And that would make a beautiful video game if Disney ever gave someone the rights to make it. But yeah, fucked too.

*Fucked. Yes, fucked. But wouldn't the Matterhorn offer the most advantageous tactical position?

-Probably, but you'd also be likely to fall off a ledge or trip on a Yeti or something.

*Have you ever tripped on a Yeti?

-More like slipped and ended up face to face with a Yeti. Happens all the time to Canadian school children, that's how we learn to run on and through the snow and ice so quickly and skillfully.

*I see. Is there a difference between a Yeti and a Sasquatch?

- Yeah, I think maybe a Yeti is like a winter Sasquatch, like Yeti's are white and grey and Sasquatch is brown.

*What about a Yeti and an Abominable Snow Man?

-Abominable Snow Men have more teeth and claws than Yeti do.

*How do they have more claws? Do they have extra arms? Or just extra fingers? Is that abominable?

-My bet is more fingers. Unless you have something really good to ask I'm about ready to fall asleep. Maybe. If I'm lucky. I mean I'm exhausted and I want to try to sleep soon.

*Does the difference between Yetis and Wampas count as "really good"?

-Ha ha. Yes. On Earth we have Yetis, on Hoth they have Wampas. That's the difference.

*But, wait, are they like the same species but on different planets, or are there more complex biological differences?

-I'm not a exobiologist, or an astrobiologist so I wouldn't know. Also I'm too tired to think about it.

*But you are a Canadian. Aren't Canadians supposed to know about snow-beasts?

-About snow beasts native to this planet. Not the others. Yet.

*Oh.

-Ok. Goodnight.

Birthdays, Comics and Ignorant Twats

*So what's going on with you today, Mandy?

-It's my birthday, I got lots of nice comments from strangers, my family forgot to call me, I went shopping for comic books with Zak Smith/Sabbath and some moron who can't read or was making a stupid assumption wrote me telling me that I'm an "idiot" for apparently using antibiotics improperly.

So, to set that person straight: I do not use antibiotics to treat the common cold or my asthma. I never said that I did. Read what I actually wrote and you'll see that I mentioned I had been on two rounds of antibiotics in the past month without saying what I was being treated for, since I don't always want to tell everyone what exactly is wrong with me. I also mentioned in the same blog that I had recently caught a cold and that cold would take me weeks to recover from. Catching a cold and also having had two separate infections in less than a month does not equal treating my cold with antibiotics. No doctor in their right mind prescribes antibiotics to someone--who's got a compromised immune system to begin with--when there is no reasonable medical reason to. When I have a cold I take vitamin C and drink lots of tea and that's about it. I don't even take cough syrups or pills because as informed as I am about my medical conditions I am aware that one of the most common ingredients in over the counter cough and cold medications is a cough suppressant that interferes with your lungs' natural reaction to a cold and can cause serious asthma attacks, and additionally keeps your body from healing as quickly as it might otherwise. When I have trouble with my asthma I take my prescribed asthma medication and when that doesn't work I go to the emergency room. When I have a bacterial infection like strep throat or a uti or something like an upper respiratory infection or a sinus infection I take my prescribed-by-a-doctor-antibiotics. When I'm in severe pain from endometriosis I take my prescribed-by-a-doctor-painkillers and hormone therapy and had fucking major surgery. Oh, and when I have migraines I take my prescribed migraine medication and I don't use it for earaches or tummy aches or skin rashes. Thanks. I don't need your fucking arrogant and mistaken advice. I fucking know all about being sick and what I should and shouldn't do. And when I have questions I have loads of excellent and caring doctors and better informed friends than you to ask when I need help. Fuck off with your rude comments about how I should take care of myself you ignorant twat.

Oh, and tomorrow I get to go to Disneyland with super hot porn stars and strippers and good friends.


*Um, o...k...were you in Hustler or something lately?

-I have no idea. People keep writing to me and asking me about magazines I've supposedly been in, but no one tells me when these things happen and I never get to see what these people are writing to me about. If any of you know anything about these mysterious appearances of mine in whatever magazines please scan a page or something for me and email it to me so I can see too.

*Yeah, they should do that.

-Indeed. Ugh, so so irritated by that stupid comment about me supposedly using medications improperly...

*Um, so, like, what did you do today?

-I slept in till 3pm then woke up and showered and shaved my head and then I got dressed and talked to my friend Nadia Nitro on the phone for awhile and then I went and put my contacts in and put some make-up on and then Zak and I went to Secret Headquarters and shopped for comic books and then we had dinner at the Brite Spot and then we came home and read comics and are watching Star Trek TNG as we both write stuff using the internet. At some point I plan to have some hot sex. Probably will do that at few times before I go to bed, at least once in the ass. Then more comics or Star Trek then sleep.

*What comic books did you buy?

-We got a Batman and Robin book by Frank Miller with art by Jim Lee, and some Wolverine VS the Hulk comics, and a few Iron Fist and DC Universe The Stories of Alan Moore and a Justice League of America VS the Injustice League of America comic, and an X-Men comic about Nightcrawler and a bunch of Seven Soldiers of Victory comics.

*I heard that everybody hated that Batman and Robin comic--what'd you think?

-I liked it. The art was pretty good and when you have Zak doing all the voices even cheesy dialog is entertaining. Though I don't get why Jimmy Olsen was in it. Jimmy Olsen sucks.

*Gosh gee golly gee willikers Miss Mandy, what's wrong with Jimmy Olsen?

-Yeah....exactly. I don't like virgins in comic books. I did enjoy Batman and Black Canary making out. That was fun to see.

*I would worry that I was fucking Black Canary she might get all excited and sonically scream at me and then I'd be disintegrated...

-Sounds like a good way to go as any.

*Are you going to have anal sex before, during, or after reading all the comics you bought?

-Not during. Before and after would be ideal.

*What's this week's video?

-Can't you see? It's me and Coco Velvett. Not having anal sex. But it was still fun.

*Does it say "Kasimir S. Pulaski Day" on the calendar behind Coco?

-I can't read half the stuff on my calendar because it's also Zak's calendar and I can't read Zak's writing. So, it very well could say that but I can't tell.

*So you have no particular attachment to the Father of The American Cavalry?

-I don't have a particular attachment to any kind of American father. My dad's Canadian.

*It says here that Kasimir (or Kazimierz) Pulaski died after being hit in the groin by a blast of grapeshot. That sounds unpleasant.

-It really does.

*Would you rather die defending the cause of liberty or fucking Black Canary?

-Fucking Black Canary. For sure.

*If someone sent you a Black Canary costume, would you put on that wig you wore when you fucked Alektra Blue and do a scene in it?

-Ha ha ha. OF COURSE! Think DC would be upset?

*I feel like it's hard to defend the copyright on "blonde chick with a black leotard and black fishnets".

-Good point.

*In retaliation, they may make a new supervillainess with pink hair and a leopard-skin belt who corrupts Gotham City by making porn free and then have Black Canary beat her up.

-I'm sure, like, positive that Gotham City already has lots of free porn. Just like I'm positive that I'm not the only one running a free porn site in our universe.

*Did you know you have the same birthday as Nabokov and Shakespeare?

-Yes. And the queen of England too I think. And Shirley Temple.

*Did you ever go to some bar and be all "Hey it's my birthday, free shots!" and see like Nabokov there getting free shots, too?

-No. I haven't done shots in years and years and when I did I didn't need my birthday as an excuse to get free ones. So, no, I've never gotten free shots at a bar with Vladmir Nabokov, although now that I think about it, that'd be pretty cool. Oh, and I am still angry about that dumb comment. (Just in case you were wondering.)

*Well your astrological twin Vladimir Nabokov would handle it by writing a long and witheringly eloquent demolition of his detractor's position and then publishing it in a learned journal. Shirley Temple would probably just say "I'm not gonna worry about that one bit!" and then do a cute dance in funny stockings.

-My reaction was probably somewhere in between. Except instead of a learned journal I have a silly blog (and my writing isn't exactly eloquent) and instead of a cute dance in funny stocking I'll fuck my boyfriend and then have multiple orgasms in my funny stockings.

*I believe that's how the Queen of England handles this sort of situation.

-Heh. Excellent. Now I know why my mum's parents have photos of her all over their house....

*I'm sure that's the reason.

-What else could explain that phenomenon? It all makes so much sense now.

*I wonder how Shakespeare handled his fan mail, like "Dearest Williemme, 'Thee Merrye Wives Of Windsor' was a Very poore effort Indeed and I daresay I found thee handling of the charactre of Mistress Quicklee to be particularly Crude & Altogether Lacklustre!"...

-"A plague on both your houses!"

*Most people who write nasty fan mail don't have two houses. Or one house. They generally live in their parents' basements, is what I am given to understand.

-They should all read more comics, when I was eleven years old I was reading a Super Girl comic (one where Buzz and Gorilla Grodd transform everyone into savage cave-men like crazy creatures) and someone in it says "Never assume it always makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me." http://www.dcuguide.com/Sg/Sg4_003.php

*Um, I hate to tell you this, but I do not think Gorilla Grodd was the first one to say that.

-Ha ha, I know. But it was the first time I saw it. And coming from a giant talking evil gorilla it obviously left an impression. But they did put Super Girl in leather pants some point shortly after that and that was also a good move on Gorilla Grodd's part.

*I have no idea what you're talking about at this point but I'm just going to let it go because you're hot and it's your birthday.

-You'd know what I was talking about if you had read those comics.

*Actually, I have a really bad memory--like, all I can remember from this whole conversation is you saying something about "anal sex" and "leather pants".

-Well then I guess it's time to stop writing and do something else, hmm?