Monday, May 4, 2009

Snow Beasts

*So I see this week we are confronted with yet more sapphic shenanigans featuring you and the adorable miss Coco Velvett...


*How does Coco'spussy taste?

-Like a fucking pussy.

*So you are of the pinion that they are all alike?

-Pretty much. Maybe I just haven't tasted enough.

*I see. What else have you been up to?

- I've been sick. A lot. I've been watching episodes of Deadwood. Sometimes it's an ok show, other times it's tedious and predictable. I've also started reading Perdido Street Station by China Mieville. Same assessment pretty much, good and entertaining at times and at others tedious and predictable.

*Perhaps it would be possible to arrange things so that every time, say, the sheriff and his wife were whining about their dead baby, you'd be reading one of the good parts of PSS and every time Mieville starts to slack off, there'd be a gunfight or unanaesthetized surgery scene on Deadwood...

-That would be nice. Oh I was also healthy enough one day this week to do some laundry. Youpi.

*"Youpi"? What the hell does "Youpi" mean?

-Like "hooray" but I'm from Montreal.

*According to that wikipedia entry, it is also the name of a "french/swiss jazzmetal quartet" whatever the fuck that is. Ok--I am playing a track by Youpi--found it on youtube--what do you think of this song?

-I have a bit of a headache already. So, I guess I don't think very highly of it, though I would have expected worse.

*Yeah, I feel like when you say "french/swiss jazzmetal" you prepare for fairly apocalyptic levels of suck. But these guys are just kinda--well "tedious and predictable" would be the phrase of the week, I suppose. ANYWAY: let us go to the mailbag...Bairdduvessa expresses a preference that you dress up like Marvel super-heroines and get fucked rather than DC ones. What do you think of that?

-*shrugs* I know DC characters better than Marvel ones--'cause my dad brought more DC stuff home when I was a kid so I don't know if I am informed enough to have a real opinion on that subject. My decision would be based on which costumes appeal my actual fashion sense and which showed the most skin. I can't say at all if that's DC heroines or Marvel ones. And I don't feel like looking it up.

Oh...I also shaved my mohawk off.

*So does that mean you are now bald?

-I was, now it's starting to grow out fuzzy. Does that still count as bald?

*Hey, save me from asking a million questions and just tell us the whole scoop with your long-term and immediate hair plans...

-I don't have any plans yet. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I might grow the mohawk back only different, or I might let most of it grow back like a real girls hair and dye all sorts of fun colours and just shave a small part of it. Or I might just keep getting so ill and sleepless and irritated that I keep shaving it all off just to suffer through the razor burn as a means of distraction from all the other pain. I do quite enjoy picking scabs off my head.

*What do you think of this tibetan scroll painting of a vengeful 6-armed tulpa?

-I like it.

*Also in the mailbag, Ben says he never puts his dick in crazy. What do you think of that?

-Do attractive women who aren't crazy even exist? If they do, I'd sure like to meet one some day.

*Is Coco crazy?

-Of course. She's not boring. I have sneaking suspicion that 'not crazy" is code for "dull".

*What did you get for your birthday?

-An Aldous Huxley book, two Mad magazines from the mid 90's, some glow in the dark stars to stick on my ceiling, and a notebook and some drawing stuff and a drawing, an anime action figure called Pocco and a book full of anime character drawings, oh a trip to Disneyland with lots of my friends.

*Which rides did you ride?

-Space Mountain, the Haunted House, It's A Small World, and the Matterhorn.

*Was there vomiting?


*If there was a zombie or mutant invasion during your birthday and you had to and commandeer and fortify a Disneyland ride and protect it from ravenous marauders with the aid of your birthday guests, which ride would you choose?

-It's a tie between It's A Small World and Pirates Of The Caribbean.

*That would be fucked if you sniped at ravenous invaders while taking cover behind like animatronic llamas in "It's A Small World".

-Yes. And that would make a beautiful video game if Disney ever gave someone the rights to make it. But yeah, fucked too.

*Fucked. Yes, fucked. But wouldn't the Matterhorn offer the most advantageous tactical position?

-Probably, but you'd also be likely to fall off a ledge or trip on a Yeti or something.

*Have you ever tripped on a Yeti?

-More like slipped and ended up face to face with a Yeti. Happens all the time to Canadian school children, that's how we learn to run on and through the snow and ice so quickly and skillfully.

*I see. Is there a difference between a Yeti and a Sasquatch?

- Yeah, I think maybe a Yeti is like a winter Sasquatch, like Yeti's are white and grey and Sasquatch is brown.

*What about a Yeti and an Abominable Snow Man?

-Abominable Snow Men have more teeth and claws than Yeti do.

*How do they have more claws? Do they have extra arms? Or just extra fingers? Is that abominable?

-My bet is more fingers. Unless you have something really good to ask I'm about ready to fall asleep. Maybe. If I'm lucky. I mean I'm exhausted and I want to try to sleep soon.

*Does the difference between Yetis and Wampas count as "really good"?

-Ha ha. Yes. On Earth we have Yetis, on Hoth they have Wampas. That's the difference.

*But, wait, are they like the same species but on different planets, or are there more complex biological differences?

-I'm not a exobiologist, or an astrobiologist so I wouldn't know. Also I'm too tired to think about it.

*But you are a Canadian. Aren't Canadians supposed to know about snow-beasts?

-About snow beasts native to this planet. Not the others. Yet.


-Ok. Goodnight.


CuteEnglishGuy said...

WOW! You are crazy, in a good way, not in an 'eat someones liver' kind of way, that's bad crazy. probably.

baudot said...

If you were trapped in San Francisco, you might take cover fro the zombies on Albany Bulb. It's a wee spit of land than turned into a dump that turned into an art commune / homeless campsite. Someone built a tiny, heart shaped castle on one of the promontories. Nearby is a spit of land that vanishes for several hours of the day with high tide that might be useful for catching zombies. (Unless, as Nixon points out, they simply walk along the sea floor and don't care.)

bairdduvessa said...

maybe i should have been more clear and hinted to one of the more fringe comic companies...:shrug:

that is a bad ass tulpa tho

Anonymous said...

A random nobody from the ether I may be, but still I wish you well - here's hoping your health improves beyond all expectations and explanations. Asthma sucks, I know from personal experience.

And thanks for letting the freak flag fly in such an honest way - if more people just looked in the mirror and realized we're all weird, sex isn't evil, and the body isn't the Ark Of The Covenant, to be kept covered lest it make a viewer melt like a George Lucas special effect, the world might be a better place...or at least a less hypocritical one.

Be well, and may your world ever be as interesting as you desire, as inspiring as you can take, and as comfortable as your skin.