Thursday, April 23, 2009

Birthdays, Comics and Ignorant Twats

*So what's going on with you today, Mandy?

-It's my birthday, I got lots of nice comments from strangers, my family forgot to call me, I went shopping for comic books with Zak Smith/Sabbath and some moron who can't read or was making a stupid assumption wrote me telling me that I'm an "idiot" for apparently using antibiotics improperly.

So, to set that person straight: I do not use antibiotics to treat the common cold or my asthma. I never said that I did. Read what I actually wrote and you'll see that I mentioned I had been on two rounds of antibiotics in the past month without saying what I was being treated for, since I don't always want to tell everyone what exactly is wrong with me. I also mentioned in the same blog that I had recently caught a cold and that cold would take me weeks to recover from. Catching a cold and also having had two separate infections in less than a month does not equal treating my cold with antibiotics. No doctor in their right mind prescribes antibiotics to someone--who's got a compromised immune system to begin with--when there is no reasonable medical reason to. When I have a cold I take vitamin C and drink lots of tea and that's about it. I don't even take cough syrups or pills because as informed as I am about my medical conditions I am aware that one of the most common ingredients in over the counter cough and cold medications is a cough suppressant that interferes with your lungs' natural reaction to a cold and can cause serious asthma attacks, and additionally keeps your body from healing as quickly as it might otherwise. When I have trouble with my asthma I take my prescribed asthma medication and when that doesn't work I go to the emergency room. When I have a bacterial infection like strep throat or a uti or something like an upper respiratory infection or a sinus infection I take my prescribed-by-a-doctor-antibiotics. When I'm in severe pain from endometriosis I take my prescribed-by-a-doctor-painkillers and hormone therapy and had fucking major surgery. Oh, and when I have migraines I take my prescribed migraine medication and I don't use it for earaches or tummy aches or skin rashes. Thanks. I don't need your fucking arrogant and mistaken advice. I fucking know all about being sick and what I should and shouldn't do. And when I have questions I have loads of excellent and caring doctors and better informed friends than you to ask when I need help. Fuck off with your rude comments about how I should take care of myself you ignorant twat.

Oh, and tomorrow I get to go to Disneyland with super hot porn stars and strippers and good friends.

*Um, o...k...were you in Hustler or something lately?

-I have no idea. People keep writing to me and asking me about magazines I've supposedly been in, but no one tells me when these things happen and I never get to see what these people are writing to me about. If any of you know anything about these mysterious appearances of mine in whatever magazines please scan a page or something for me and email it to me so I can see too.

*Yeah, they should do that.

-Indeed. Ugh, so so irritated by that stupid comment about me supposedly using medications improperly...

*Um, so, like, what did you do today?

-I slept in till 3pm then woke up and showered and shaved my head and then I got dressed and talked to my friend Nadia Nitro on the phone for awhile and then I went and put my contacts in and put some make-up on and then Zak and I went to Secret Headquarters and shopped for comic books and then we had dinner at the Brite Spot and then we came home and read comics and are watching Star Trek TNG as we both write stuff using the internet. At some point I plan to have some hot sex. Probably will do that at few times before I go to bed, at least once in the ass. Then more comics or Star Trek then sleep.

*What comic books did you buy?

-We got a Batman and Robin book by Frank Miller with art by Jim Lee, and some Wolverine VS the Hulk comics, and a few Iron Fist and DC Universe The Stories of Alan Moore and a Justice League of America VS the Injustice League of America comic, and an X-Men comic about Nightcrawler and a bunch of Seven Soldiers of Victory comics.

*I heard that everybody hated that Batman and Robin comic--what'd you think?

-I liked it. The art was pretty good and when you have Zak doing all the voices even cheesy dialog is entertaining. Though I don't get why Jimmy Olsen was in it. Jimmy Olsen sucks.

*Gosh gee golly gee willikers Miss Mandy, what's wrong with Jimmy Olsen?

-Yeah....exactly. I don't like virgins in comic books. I did enjoy Batman and Black Canary making out. That was fun to see.

*I would worry that I was fucking Black Canary she might get all excited and sonically scream at me and then I'd be disintegrated...

-Sounds like a good way to go as any.

*Are you going to have anal sex before, during, or after reading all the comics you bought?

-Not during. Before and after would be ideal.

*What's this week's video?

-Can't you see? It's me and Coco Velvett. Not having anal sex. But it was still fun.

*Does it say "Kasimir S. Pulaski Day" on the calendar behind Coco?

-I can't read half the stuff on my calendar because it's also Zak's calendar and I can't read Zak's writing. So, it very well could say that but I can't tell.

*So you have no particular attachment to the Father of The American Cavalry?

-I don't have a particular attachment to any kind of American father. My dad's Canadian.

*It says here that Kasimir (or Kazimierz) Pulaski died after being hit in the groin by a blast of grapeshot. That sounds unpleasant.

-It really does.

*Would you rather die defending the cause of liberty or fucking Black Canary?

-Fucking Black Canary. For sure.

*If someone sent you a Black Canary costume, would you put on that wig you wore when you fucked Alektra Blue and do a scene in it?

-Ha ha ha. OF COURSE! Think DC would be upset?

*I feel like it's hard to defend the copyright on "blonde chick with a black leotard and black fishnets".

-Good point.

*In retaliation, they may make a new supervillainess with pink hair and a leopard-skin belt who corrupts Gotham City by making porn free and then have Black Canary beat her up.

-I'm sure, like, positive that Gotham City already has lots of free porn. Just like I'm positive that I'm not the only one running a free porn site in our universe.

*Did you know you have the same birthday as Nabokov and Shakespeare?

-Yes. And the queen of England too I think. And Shirley Temple.

*Did you ever go to some bar and be all "Hey it's my birthday, free shots!" and see like Nabokov there getting free shots, too?

-No. I haven't done shots in years and years and when I did I didn't need my birthday as an excuse to get free ones. So, no, I've never gotten free shots at a bar with Vladmir Nabokov, although now that I think about it, that'd be pretty cool. Oh, and I am still angry about that dumb comment. (Just in case you were wondering.)

*Well your astrological twin Vladimir Nabokov would handle it by writing a long and witheringly eloquent demolition of his detractor's position and then publishing it in a learned journal. Shirley Temple would probably just say "I'm not gonna worry about that one bit!" and then do a cute dance in funny stockings.

-My reaction was probably somewhere in between. Except instead of a learned journal I have a silly blog (and my writing isn't exactly eloquent) and instead of a cute dance in funny stocking I'll fuck my boyfriend and then have multiple orgasms in my funny stockings.

*I believe that's how the Queen of England handles this sort of situation.

-Heh. Excellent. Now I know why my mum's parents have photos of her all over their house....

*I'm sure that's the reason.

-What else could explain that phenomenon? It all makes so much sense now.

*I wonder how Shakespeare handled his fan mail, like "Dearest Williemme, 'Thee Merrye Wives Of Windsor' was a Very poore effort Indeed and I daresay I found thee handling of the charactre of Mistress Quicklee to be particularly Crude & Altogether Lacklustre!"...

-"A plague on both your houses!"

*Most people who write nasty fan mail don't have two houses. Or one house. They generally live in their parents' basements, is what I am given to understand.

-They should all read more comics, when I was eleven years old I was reading a Super Girl comic (one where Buzz and Gorilla Grodd transform everyone into savage cave-men like crazy creatures) and someone in it says "Never assume it always makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me."

*Um, I hate to tell you this, but I do not think Gorilla Grodd was the first one to say that.

-Ha ha, I know. But it was the first time I saw it. And coming from a giant talking evil gorilla it obviously left an impression. But they did put Super Girl in leather pants some point shortly after that and that was also a good move on Gorilla Grodd's part.

*I have no idea what you're talking about at this point but I'm just going to let it go because you're hot and it's your birthday.

-You'd know what I was talking about if you had read those comics.

*Actually, I have a really bad memory--like, all I can remember from this whole conversation is you saying something about "anal sex" and "leather pants".

-Well then I guess it's time to stop writing and do something else, hmm?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Monster Generators, Pornographic Suicide and Quiz Kid Dana

-So how're you doing today, Mandy Morbid?

I'm very sick. I caught Zak's horrible cold. Otherwise, as far as I can tell things are good.

-So I notice your site has been having some identity issues lately...

Yeah, it's not my fault.

-I don't care whose fault it is, what I want to know is, is there still new porn on this site every saturday or what?

There's supposed to be but it doesn't always work. There's new porn this week, but there wasn't last week, but there was the week before. I think I've figured out how to keep it working now though. Every week. (Fingers crossed.)

-What kind of operation are you running over there, Missy?

A very very DIY one. Deal with it. I've had a real rough couple of months up until March and now I'm ill again...

-Like ill like normal "get well soon, Mandy" ill or like some epic obstacle-to-me-getting-to-see-you-with-jizz-on-you ill?

It's always epic with me. It can take me weeks to heal from the common cold if my asthma kicks in, which it almost always does, AND it's allergy season. In the past 3 weeks I've been on two rounds of antibiotics...And this is all actually an improvement, since now the endometriosis is less painful since my surgery in January and my asthma is getting better from going to the gym regularly with Kimberly.

-Do you guys go to a magical porno gym where everybody s sweaty and naked and it's like in a Madonna video?

We wish! (And oh, I have enough new stuff edited to keep the site uploading while I take my week or two to recover from this current plague-cold-round-of-infections. So don't worry too much about not having new Mandy porn.)

-So the upshot is: "Yes, new porn every Saturday"?

That is my goal. Oh, hey, check this out!
Kimberly Kane shot me for her Super 8 film "My Pornographic Suicide", photo by Agata Alexander.

-Fine, I did. Now you check this out:
It's a random DC comics porn movie generator. I got: Starfire and/or any other member of the Teen Titans have sex due to impending death. Then I got:Conor Hawke and Dinah Lance are both in love with the same person...

I got Raven and Bruce Wayne under the influence of sex pollen and then I got Lex Luthor and Poison Ivy are assumed to be sleeping together (but aren't yet.)

-Do you use a random generator to make your movies? "An alt-porn girl with pink hair has sex with a girl with a big butt and red-striped socks in a grey bed with blue sheets and the camera is wobbly."?

Pretty much. Unless someone asks for something specific they'd like to see or KK is around. (And yes, yes I know you all what to see more tentacle sex, I'm working on it.)

-I want to see...
"An 8-legged tentacle monster with a purplish-yellow beak and four toes fuck Mandy and Kimberly and Satine Phoenix with a candlestick in the drawing room"

Ok. But why with a candlestick when there is tentacles? You know what's really irritating when you have a cold? Nose piercings. So so annoying....

Wanna know what I did last week?

-Yes, but first I want to use this Ronnie James Dio advice generator at, it says: "Mandy, In the palace of the virgin, lies the chalice of the soul, and it's likely you might find the answer there." Ok, I'm going to go look in that palace, meanwhile tell everybody what you did last week...

Actually I don't know if this was last week or the week before...but on some Tuesday recently I modeled for Sawa Suicide when she shot some photos for the band Goatwhore. She tied me to a pillar and covered me in fake blood. Then, she, Zak and I all went to see Brutal Truth play at the Knitting Factory. I got an awesome shirt with a Minotaur on it. Then Thursday Zak, Kimberly, Agata, Steve Diet Goedde and I went to the art walk downtown and saw some art and April Flores was modeling in some gallery, then we ran into Dana DeArmond and went so some bar and then I got tired and went home. On Saturday Kimberly shot me for her Super 8 film and then I watched Justice League Unlimited cartoons all day. Oh and I've been doing a bunch of dumb quizzes on facebook, like did you know if I were to be a Marvel superhero or bad guy I'd be Thanos? Oh, and going to the gym.

-A: Do you think Dana DeArmond is the Quiz Kid Donnie Smith of porn, now that she has braces?, and B: You'd be Thanos? Seriously?

A: Yes. Mainly just cause it's fun to say "Quiz Kid Dana"
B: Seriously according to that quiz. Also, in the X-Men I'd be Psylocke, the "Which Crazy Bitch Are You?" quiz thinks I'm Mallory Knox from Natural Born Killers, and the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter quiz put me in Ravenclaw (which is exactly where I'd want to be), and my "True Age" is 16. Also I'm "great in bed." Oh, and I'll die by being stabbed.

-Psylocke, Thanos, and Mallory Knox, huh? Did the quizzes go like: "Your favorite color is: 'I hate everyone.' My favorite subject in school is: 'I despise the human race.'...

Kinda, yeah.

-Well, I used this giant japanese monster generator at Seventh and got: "The gigantic slimy gorilla. It used to live on the moon. It is a friend to all children." So...

Well that's great! Living on the moon sounds like fun and being a friend to all children is very admirable. Lets see what I get...Ahhha! "The gigantic ant that vomits acid on enemies. It was created by a lost civilization. It protects its mysterious life source."

-As Foucault would say, all systems of rules are merely a camouflage for systems of ideology. It would appear that, according to this monster-generator, it is impossible to generate a monster that is both a friend to all children and that ALSO protects its mysterious life source...

Perhaps...On that note, I'm going to try to rest now. Enjoy this week's POV.