New Post.

-So you won a beauty contest, I hear...

Yup. A black-eye beauty contest at Kimberly Kane's Morphine release party.


-Is it your first one?

Yes. I've never been in one before. I imagine they are less fun without the black eyes.


-The black eye in the pictures on-line looks pretty grisly--did anybody think it was real before or after the party?

No. No one thought it was real. Or they didn't say anything to me about it.


-I mean, if you see this girl walking down the street in hollywood with a black eye, you don't go "Hey, did your boyfriend punch you?"

Maybe you wouldn't yell that in Hollywood, but you probably would in Brooklyn. Which is one of the reasons I like living in L.A better. People don't yell at me when I leave the house.


-When do they yell at you?

Stupid things. Next question.


-Um...So these porn parties--do they degenerate immediately into orgies at the end of the night?

Never one that I've been to. But that would be nice huh?


-Yeah...what did you have for breakfast?

A toasted chicken club from Tim Hortons. It was wonderful.


-Isn't he the prime minister of Canada or something?

I think he might have been a hockey player but I'm not sure and could be totally wrong.


-But he gave you a club sandwich...?

No, he just has his name attached to a chain of coffee/doughnut/sandwich shops. Where I bought my sandwich, at the airport in Vancouver.


-Oh. Do they give you trouble at the airport--like at customs or security?

Of course they do. Look at me. I look like a bad person don't I? Heh, because drug dealers and child pornographers always try to look as obviously deviant as possible so no one at customs will notice them and search through all their stuff. And question their choice of reading material.


-What were you reading? The Wisdom of Abu-Musab Al-Zarqawi?

I had a Star Wars art book, a Return of the Jedi comic book from 1983, "The Consolation of Philosophy", "Brave New World", "Nineteen Eighty-Four", and "Foundations of the Metaphysics of Morals" with me.


-That's hot.

Thanks, I try.


-So which one did they give you static about?

The one with "Philosophy" in the title was commented on and also the comic from 1983 which is possibly an original. "You read this? Philosophy?.....Return of the Jedi huh? Is this a collectors item?" And what you say in response to that I suppose is, "Um, yeah." And then they flip through all the pages to make sure drugs are not hidden in between, because seriously who reads anymore these days, right?


-I hear sometimes people read when they're on drugs...

Wow, what a frightening and degenerate world we live in.


-It's ironic that he was suspicious of the Return of the Jedi comic but not "1984". Which I guess means he never read "1984". You gotta wonder what the appeal of a job in the state-security apparatus is to someone who hasn't read "1984"...

I think "1984" might be more common reading material than a comic book from 1983 with all the pages falling out. Also by the time he got to the books he had searched through everything else quite throughly including my actual medications and I think he knew he wasn't going to find anything incriminating. Maybe he was a Star Wars fan? But you do have a point. I bet they get good benefits though, working for the government, health insurance and stuff....maybe that's the appeal?


-Maybe he thinks "1984" is just a book about DuranDuran?

Heh. Maybe. I also got a giant Hello Kitty doll at the airport. It has a shiny pink dress and butterfly/fairy wings. It's pretty awesome.


-Can we watch you fuck it in a movie?

Uh....If the Sanrio people promise not to sue me.


-They make vibrators don't they? I mean, if you go look on-line for a video of a girl with a Hello Kitty vibrator and find one, then probably you can do it...

Oh, thats right, they make condoms too, don't they?! Maybe I will use it then. It could be hot.


-Hello Kitty seems so cute and easy-going about what she puts her face on that's it hard to grasp that Sanrio is this huge fucking zaibatsu megacorporation in a 1984-looking building somewhere that probably sues people every day...

True...well I'll be good to my giant Hello Kitty fairy princess doll and use it as a chair or pillow or something instead of making porn with her. At least until we get to know each other a bit better first.

Yeah, so the reason why I didn't update last weekend (if anyone even noticed) is because I was away visiting people I know who don't live in Los Angeles. And I'll be away next weekend too. But the site still updates so you still get a new video to watch.


-Oh, thanks, that was real responsible of you, I was totally just gonna go on blathering about Hello Kitty...

Indeed. Uh...what else? I can't think of anything and I've got to go clean my new nostril piercings and get some rest.