Monday, March 3, 2008

More Mandy and Kimberly Kane

-So where have you been?

I've been visiting my family and friends. In a cold cold place.

-Did you throw snowballs at them?

Nope! But I did make snow angels and roll down hills and jump off six foot high snowbanks into other large snowbanks with my little sister. Then I got cold and went inside and made hot cocoa. Then I sniffled for a few days.

-Did you do anything porn-y?

Ummm.....No. I got a new tattoo and a new piercing. But nothing porn-y. It's not a porn-y place. It's probably one of the least porn-y places in the world. Although from what I hear from my Dad and sister the strip-clubs are good. The girls get naked AND they serve alcohol....I am glad to be back in California.

-Do your dad and sister go to strip clubs together?

No, they don't.

-What are you listening to right now?

Tom Petty. "Love is a long long road."

-So you like Tom Petty, I hear he won't back down, is that true?

I like lots of different kinds of things. I've never met Tom Petty and so I haven't been able to ask him how true the song is.

-Ok, if you started a snowball fight with Tom Petty and he backed down would you be disappointed and stop listening to his music?

First of all, I'm not a snowball fighting kind of girl. Unless it leads to sex in the snow, cause I'm all for sex in the snow. But probably not with Tom Petty, he is a little old for me I think....Anyhow---IF I did start a snowball fight with Tom Petty I hope he would back down because that means I win the snowball fight. And I would still listen to his music once in awhile.

-But less often?

No, I only listen to it "once in awhile" presently. Hence the word "still" being in that sentence.

-Do you have any message to communicate to Tom Petty if he is reading and/or masturbating to you right now?

Not really. Have fun. Thanks for making some songs I like.

-What would you say if he or his record company gave you permission to score one of your scenes to "Free Falling"?

I'd be flattered, but I don't think I'm the right girl for that scene.

-Doesn't the girl in that song love horses and she's crazy about Elvis?

Yeah...Not me. She also "Loves Jesus and America too" I'm not so much into Jesus and America at the moment.

-But America loves you! And Jesus is probably jerking off to you and Ming the Merciless right now...

America can love me all it wants, until it does something about all the war, corruption, pollution, and crappy health care and education I'm keeping my distance...sort of. Jesus jerking off to me is a hot idea. Damn Catholic school.

-Have you ever heard the one about the bus driver and the hippie?

YES! I have.

-You mean you've heard the one where There was a hippie and he was taking the bus. And as he got on the bus he saw this hot nun and like hit on her and she just left and got off the bus. And then the next day he got on the bus again and asked the bus driver how he would get the Nun to have sex with him, and the driver replied "Well every sunday night she goes to the church and prays and what you have to do is go and wear day glo paint and a loincloth and come down and be all "I am Jesus, suck my godcock!"

So that night the hippie dressed up as God. And he came to the Nun and then bent her over and the Hippie had a great time. After they were finished he took off the day-glo paint and said "HA, HA I'M THE HIPPY!" then the nun took off her habit and said "HA HA I'M THE BUS DRIVER!"

-Is that the one you heard?

Ugh, yeah, that's the one. Freak.

-Well do you wish you were the nun?

No. Not at all. That nun is stupid. And Hippies are gross.

-But what if they're naked, they're like Jesus, right?

Nope, not all, Jesus is only hot when he's skinny, bloody and tied/nailed to a cross.

-So like an S and M hippie is hot?

I dunno, the giant crucifix in the church I was sent to didn't resemble a hippie.

-Really? I have never seen a Jesus that didn't look like either a hippie or a Mexican hippie...

Where have you seen a Mexican hippie?!

-I don't know--union picket lines? I feel like there are a lot of murals with Jesus looking like a Mexican hippie--am I wrong?

I guess you're right, there weren't a lot of hippies or murals around where I grew up. Just lots of crucifixes and snow. Now that I've made the hippie-Jesus connection, Jesus shouldn't ever be hot anymore. Thanks.

-So what exactly did Jesus look like in the land of the Snow People?

Like a hippie who kept his beard and body hair trimmed better than most hippies I've seen in real life, who's been beat up badly. Which is satisfying. But not hot. Though he did have nice hip bones.

-So--what's this week's pornography about?

It's with Kimberly Kane.

-Well that's always amusing...

Yup yup!

-Well I suppose if we keep you on here too much longer babbling about theological niceties you won't have time to fuck more hot sluts, so we'll let you go...

Right...time to email some sluts.


Benny Profane said...

You could fist somebody to the tune of "Into The Great Wide Open".
I won't say who, because that would be incredibly rude.

When my mom was dying and I was hooked on morphine, I used to drive back and forth to a convent in Inglewood to pick up these cute Mexican nuns (what I could see of them was cute, at least) who would come to my house and pray for my mom. And I was always so high that I'd have to stop the car every three blocks and get out and puke and the nuns couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Nuns aren't very worldly. said...

No, nuns are not very worldly.
Every so often in high school I would have the urge to join a convent. It would have been a nice break from the world. I even looked up where I could go online--lucky for all of us, I ended up in psych wards instead.


Farson said...

Tom Petty? That's an odd choice, way to go.

GoldThane said...

Canada loves you more than America does ;)