Saturday, June 12, 2010

-So what's up Mandy?

Not much I just got home--back to L.A--yesterday. Feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of unpacking.

-From where?

I went to Ohio for a weekend, then New York for not quite a week, then Montreal for two weeks.

-What'd you do in Ohio?

I went shopping at the really great Medina Antique Mall. I want to go back. I also spent a lot of time in the hotel's pool. Oh, and most importantly I fucked a really really hot (and sweet) girl who had boobs like me.

-Was it for a movie, can we see it?

Nope. Not for a movie. Just for me and her. No photos or video exist of the encounter.

-So, it's safe to assume you're just lying in order to fool us into thinking you're exciting and sexy right?

Hey if you want to believe that go ahead, but she reads my blog and I think she'd appreciate the mention.

-Ok. What did you get at the antique mall?

I got a kitten the squeaks for Connie and Frankie because they like kittens. I got a vintage baby blue ball gown, probably made from anywhere between 1940-1960's but no tag or brand or tailor mark anywhere on it to look up to see exactly when it was made/what it is. Zak got a 1950's art deco whiskey bottle shaped like a penguin with a clear stomach you can see the liquid in which is speckled Pollock style in gold. It plays "How Dry I Am" when you lift it off the shelf. I nearly got a lovely pair of dark gray ladies' driving gloves and wish I hadn't of decided against them now.

-Wait a second, Zak was there?

Zak is always there.

-Why didn't he take pictures of you fucking this girl so it could be on the blog?

Because not everything I do is for public consumption. Some things can remain semi-private.

-Did he just watch?

Ha ha ha.

-What's that mean?

That means the notion of him not joining in in a private sexual affair of mine is ridiculous.

-Um, ok. So did you do anything else in Ohio between fucking antiquing, threewaying, and hanging out in the hotel swimming pool?

Not really. I ate a lot of over priced food. And I got my nails done which is bizarre and will never happen again.

-Why not?

It's a waste of time and money. I usually can grow my own quite long but tried getting 'em done this one time because they were peeling because of the seasonal weather change. I have decided that it's better to simply endure having short nails for a few weeks when the weather changes rather than pay a mean lady to glue and scrape at my fingers.

-I'm glad to hear you say it since I never really understood why girls got their nails done. It seemed like all that time and money could be better spent, I dunno buying and using binoculars or some sort of telescope that they could use to find me so that then they could have sex with me.

Well that's a pretty daydream.

-Oh! You wound me, um anyway what'd you do in New York?

I hung out with Zak's friends from Yale and Vivid and Bob Coulter and Steve Prue. We did some photoshoots and played D&D and ate some yummy food in Brooklyn. We saw that movie about pet bugs in Japan called "Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo" which I very much enjoyed. We went to see some art in Chelsea and we hung out with Zak's gallery people a bit. We also had dinner with an art collector and his wife who showed us their house full of expensive paintings including a couple of Zak's, and their cute kids, and their fluffy poodle who didn't seem to like me very much. They had a couple neat things, a good photo of a Russian girl and some paintings that were heavily lacquered and glittery and colourful. It was a bit of a strange experience being in that house.

-Um, can we see some pictures?

Ok here's one Bob took of me. That's all I've got for now.

-Whoa thank god I thought I was going to have to read a whole thing without seeing any pictures.

Well that's dumb.

Ok so you um, went to dinner with some art collector, what did you eat, like caviar?

No I didn't eat caviar. I had some sauteed spinach and some grilled fish and some fancy custard thing with fruit. It was very good. We were at a place they said they saw Bernadette Peters at. But she wasn't there that night. I like Bernadette Peters a lot. We got chocolates wrapped in a photo of some nude women which I took to give to my sister and grandma.

And Zak went to Yale? Is he rich?

Yes he went to Yale, no he's not rich just smart. He took out a big loan to pay for Yale like most people who go to college do.

-You played Dungeons and Dragons?

Yeah. These guys who Zak went to school with play of course. They are the people I had my first games with. Vivid played with us too this time, and Steve Prue.

-Who's Vivid?

This is Viv. She's a model and she makes beautiful hairpieces and wigs and dreads. She also just graduated from art school. She's my friend.

-So what happened in the D&D game?

Our Paladin fell in love with a woman with a leech for a head, Viv killed the Lizard-man King, we were in an opera house which was inside a giant turtle.

-Hey, I have a question, what version of D&D do you use?

In New York we play 1e AD&D. In L.A we play a house-ruled hybrid of 1e AD&D and 3.5.

-Why is it different?

Because in New York all the boys grew up playing 1e and didn't want to play a different version. They had their 1e AD&D books still. In L.A we play with some 3.5 books too because a friend gave me tons and tons of 3.5 books when he moved. Also Satine was already used to playing 3.5 not 1e AD&D so we compromised. That's why. Also our DM thinks that the save vs wands, staffs and rods and other 1e save categories are stupid.

-Is it ok if I write you a long, dorky email telling you that you should really play a different version of the game, or should play in a completely different way, or should play a different game altogether because that's what I like and you're just a dumb girl and so obviously don't know any better.

If you can do so and still be polite you may write such a letter but do not expect a reply that agrees with you. There is no chance that we will play 4e ever.

-But I like what I like and obviously everyone else likes the same things as me right?

Well honey, you may not have noticed this yet not having left your parents basement much, but there are lots of people who like different things than you and it doesn't mean they are evil or stupid.

-Um ok. So if you could meet any three people in the world who would they be?

Right now at this very moment they would be Joan Rivers, Stephen Hawking and Patton Oswalt.

-That sounds like a terrible orgy but maybe a pretty good D&D game.

Yup. I'd have said Leonard Nimoy but I already met him. I just wanna hang out with him some more. Also I feel like Joan Rivers would be a really great mentor or strong female to look up to as I get older.

-I feel like she'd be like "A rust monster? oh throw up!" and then Stephen Hawking would be like "DoNotBeA-fraiD...IwiLLproTectYou."

Yes. Like that. It would be wonderful.

-I also feel like if Joan Rivers was your mentor she'd tell you should learn to like getting your nails done.

Oh yeah? I'm not so sure about that. Or she might tell me that but wouldn't mind if I didn't listen to her about that.

-She'd probably also tell you, you should have ordered the caviar.

But there wasn't any caviar on the menu.

-I don't think Joan would accept that as an excuse.

Well that's why I need her around.

-Are you trying to be more Jewish?

Maybe my boyfriend would listen to me more if I was more like a Jewish woman. He has more experience with that kind of lady.

-He doesn't listen you?

Well you see I'm Canadian and from Montreal and my family is Catholic, and we are quiet, polite people who try to avoid conflict. And he is American and his family is Jewish and from DC and so he is loud and confrontational and doesn't seem to hear or understand quiet protestations or suggestions until they get loud and confrontational enough. (Though neither of us are actually religious in any way, the different ethnicities of our family's created very different atmospheres in our childhood homes.)

-Ok I get it. So you want Joan Rivers to be your Jewish mother?

No I want Joan Rivers to be my Jewish auntie because aunties are more fun than moms. I just crave a strong older female presence in my life sometimes.

-That makes sense because "older females" are probably the only demographic that doesn't read your blog at all.

Yeah, pretty much. And my mom and I get along really well but she doesn't have the kind of advice I feel I need with my very different lifestyle than hers.

-Should I send you a long and dorky email telling you how you're obviously a loser skank on a downward spiral who only knows how to deal with life's problems by laying down and spreading your legs because you didn't have a strong female presence in your life?

No way! My mother and a couple of my aunts ARE strong influences and very accepting but they are very far away and had lots of kids. And kids become your lifestyle. So they have little insight into a young woman's life who isn't planning on settling down and having children. I plan to travel and learn and meet all kinds of different people and bounce from city to city and country to country and maybe spend a few years in one place to get some university-style-organized education but otherwise I'm a restless wanderlust filled autodidact with a lot of serious medical problems that get in my way and yearning for some applicable guidance is completely natural and normal.


most said...

this was the best thing i could have possibly read this morning.

thanks, ma'am.

come through west virginia sometime so i can photograph you and zak!

dr von drinkensnorten said...

Talking to yourself? Interesting literary device, I shall have to steal it sometime.

baudot said...

Have we chatted travel recommendations? My top picks:

Edinburgh, for:
- the National Museum. The third floor in particular is a steampunk wonderland, plus they have an Enigma Machine and Dolly the cloned sheep on display.
- The Surgeon's Museum
- More cathedrals than you can shake a stick at, unless you are exceptionally good at stick shaking.
- Tea, with scones and Annalee.

Berlin, but you already know that one.

Tallinn, for:
- some of the best renfaire style food you'll ever have, in the old town.
- walks 'round the old city walls
- window shopping the craft guilds

Vincint said...

I found this to be a great thing to wake up to on a Sunday morning.

And I like that you're not all high and mighty not to visit a fan when they're in the area, that's cool. :] You should visit Minnesota. ;]

Anonymous said...

I really enjoyed this blog entry, particularly in this style. I also would suggest sticking with 3.5, it's a better system than 4th for many reasons that are not so very important as you actually enjoying the game without worrying too much about mechanics.

You are now, as always, wonderful and a pleasure to read.

Ithryn Luin said...

How come you would never play 4e D&D?

fishlemons said...

+1 on that strong older female presence thing. My mother definitely doesn't count.i have 2 girl friends who i don't see often and now i just hang out with guys, and it would be weird to be around girls. It makes me wonder if i'm missing out on something.

i enjoy reading your blog very much. thank you

saintpepsi said...

Wow that has to be one of the most informative blog's i've ever read and very well written. Enjoyed every min of it. If you do an autobiography you should write it like that.

Adamantyr said...

Sounds like you had a great trip! Are you and Zak coming up to Seattle sometime?

I'm sorry to hear that there are people telling you to play a different edition. I do play 4th myself, but I've played every edition back to the red box sets, and I like something in all of them. In fact, I'm running a classic 1st Edition AD&D game this weekend for a change of pace. Just having fun with friends is what it's about, not the rules.

Has Zak ever run a campaign in the Dark Sun setting?

bairdduvessa said...

sounds like you had fun.

Vivka is awesome her sets on zivity are some of the best there

zent89 said...

you could visit the west side of canada ^^ very nice place but you can also visit wonderfull foret like 2 hours north of montreal, I think the World itself is a real wonder don't you think?

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to your Catholic upbringing, everyones life is different but I feel like I understand what you were saying. So Zak went to Yale, that's impressive, what did he major in ?

Mandy Morbid said...


Zak Smith--you can google him.

Jorge L. Campos said...


BenTrafford said...

Reiterating what I sent in email sometime ago -- if you wrote something booklike, I think it'd be pretty awesome, as you're a rather enjoyable writer.

Anonymous said...

im sure you get this all the time but holy smokes! your dude is one lucky guy. also i read in an older blog that you have older video game systems, what are a few of your favorite games? well keep up the good work and the looking gorgeous and nerding it up! geek on!


Arriahne said...

Love it!! You preach it sister!

Dorian said...

Okay dumb question here, Do you actually have someone asking you these questions, or is this just your funky cool writing style? :P

A GM said...

Y'know, I almost feel like I'm asking for it, posting this -- but what the heck, the universe hates a coward.

If at some point you were to run a Star Trek RPG, what show era would you run it in, and who do see your fellow "Axe" people playing? And would you be interested in such a project?

Mandy Morbid said...

@Ithryn Luin

I'm not into 4e because I've listened to a few 4e podcasts and the system or the DM or both really irritated me. It seems as though the players were limited in their abilities by the special new "superpower" skills or whatever they had. I'd rather play with more freedom to think up original things to do on my own/solutions to problems we'd encounter. It's like an anime superpower combat thing in 4e and I'm not into it. But honestly a large part of my aversion was the DM was just so awful--it really put me off.


Zak has not run a Dark Sun campaign with us--I dunno about otherwise.


I love Zelda Orcarina of Time, I love Legend of the Dragoon for the PS1 and Lunar, I love the Mortal Kombat games for the SNES, as well as Donkey Kong Country 1-3 for the SNES and Mario Kart, Yoshi's Story for N64, StarWars Battlefront 2 for PS2, the DC Justice League Heroes game for PS2, Banjo Kazooie for N64 (ahaha), Lego Batman and StarWars for the Wii along with Zelda for the Wii which I haven't finished yet.


It is a mystery!


I would totally play a Star Trek or a Star Wars game and I do play Call of Cthulhu and I'm interested in mutant animals--teenage mutant ninja turtles type game too.

I like the original series time line but also TNG and DS9 are fun too. Not Voyager however (though I watch that too.) Not Enterprise--ick! Hated that show. Ok top two Original or TNG for sure.

Zak and I have talked about how to run a Star Trek game with the girls and the modifications we'd have to make to keep it interesting not only the girls but for ourselves as well. Putting everyone in Starfleet and on one ship would be odd I feel and speculating which occupations/roles would suit everyone was fun.

Urza 857 said...

Sounded like a good trip overall. Maybe we can get lucky and see you in that dress you picked up one day too. And my girlfriend wants to know if she can be the lucky fan that gets fucked by you next time you're in town.

BenTrafford said...

@Mandy - In regards to the Trek game, I ran a rather satisfying set of sessions (maybe 10, total?) where the player were a Serenity-style crew of smugglers.

It's nice, because it lets you make interesting characters with faults and depth; it frees you to travel around the galaxy, instead of being stuck behind the Federation's borders; and you can play whatever race you want.

We had a weird bunch -- a half-Klingon, half-Betazoid captain; a freed Orion slave girl; a Romulan pretending to be a Vulcan; and Ferengi engineer. And a rather wicked B'rel-class Bird of Prey as their ship.

Matty said...

Thanks for answering my question! ocraina is mine as well as millions of others peoples favorite game. im a sucker for the lego titles as well! lego indy is definetly one of my favorties. I recently got the patient and badass reflexes to take on the old school castlevanias for nes and the megaman games for nes and the 2 new ones for wii.Quick question do you do autographed pictures for fans and if so how much are they?



Anonymous said...

is it true you're the real life tank girl?

Sarah said...

and I still love you.
You are amazing in the way you entertain me!

Dorian said...

Secret I'm intrigued.

Well I think a book in that style (with some kick ass pictures of course :D) would work really well.

It's always an enjoyable read. To many people just attempt boring long paragraphs. No fun for my eyes O_O

A GM said...

I guess my ideal game setting would be after the end of the Dominion War -- things are a mess pretty much everywhere -- plenty of room for one (or more) ship(s) to make a difference.
CoC is of course, awesome. I ran for years with that, with an Arkham detective agency packed with oddballs.
If you'd like a co-conspirator in your GMing, let me know how best to reach you -- it would be a joy to help launch a new GM, in whatever genre.

Georga said...

I giggled at the reference to older female role model sort of thing. (Define "older".) For a bit I actually had someone like that in my life and it was a strange experience because we were total opposites and didn't always get each other. She came from "old money" and had a very proper upbringing. Me on the other hand...not so much and as much as she tried to refine me it failed. I think she almost went into shock though the day I helped her daughter practice piano. Guess I am not the sort of person that anyone would expect to have had formal music lessons.

On other notes: I have met very few people that I have been happy with doing my nails. The sad thing is I am not able to grow nails and every so often I get sick of them splitting and pealing and get them done. I either get someone who is too rough with my hands and I leave in pain or someone who doesn't do a good job and they don't last as long as they are supposed to between up keeps.

I taught the kids to play DnD. We were using 3.5 and then my neighbor decided he wanted to join in and he's a Rules Nazi (he even admits it) and decided since I mostly had e4 rule books we had to do e4. Every time I reference 3.5 he asks me "Has that been updated for e4?" It's kind of maddening and defeats my purpose behind teaching them DnD.

Decoy said...

If your group is interested in trying out new games, check out Necessary Evil. Essentially, you play super villains after an alien invasion kills all the heroes. So, the world's last line of defense is it's bad guys. The system is easy to pick up and the powers are really versatile. For example, in our group we had a demented stage magician, a ghost from the 1920's, a Victorian vampire and a super street thug. Half of the fun was just watching such an odd assortment of cartoonish villains try and work together.

steve prue said...

love this and miss y'all.

Samantha Grace said...

The Medina Antique Mall is the best place to get antiques ever. I thought I was the only person who knew about it! I actually bought my vanity and dresser there. But I use to live in Ohio many moons ago. It's such a small world.