-So what's up Mandy?
Not much I just got home--back to L.A--yesterday. Feeling a bit overwhelmed by the idea of unpacking.
I went to Ohio for a weekend, then New York for not quite a week, then Montreal for two weeks.
-What'd you do in Ohio?
I went shopping at the really great Medina Antique Mall. I want to go back. I also spent a lot of time in the hotel's pool. Oh, and most importantly I fucked a really really hot (and sweet) girl who had boobs like me.
-Was it for a movie, can we see it?
Nope. Not for a movie. Just for me and her. No photos or video exist of the encounter.
-So, it's safe to assume you're just lying in order to fool us into thinking you're exciting and sexy right?
Hey if you want to believe that go ahead, but she reads my blog and I think she'd appreciate the mention.
-Ok. What did you get at the antique mall?
I got a kitten the squeaks for Connie and Frankie because they like kittens. I got a vintage baby blue ball gown, probably made from anywhere between 1940-1960's but no tag or brand or tailor mark anywhere on it to look up to see exactly when it was made/what it is. Zak got a 1950's art deco whiskey bottle shaped like a penguin with a clear stomach you can see the liquid in which is speckled Pollock style in gold. It plays "How Dry I Am" when you lift it off the shelf. I nearly got a lovely pair of dark gray ladies' driving gloves and wish I hadn't of decided against them now.
-Wait a second, Zak was there?
Zak is always there.
-Why didn't he take pictures of you fucking this girl so it could be on the blog?
Because not everything I do is for public consumption. Some things can remain semi-private.
-Did he just watch?
Ha ha ha.
-What's that mean?
That means the notion of him not joining in in a private sexual affair of mine is ridiculous.
-Um, ok. So did you do anything else in Ohio between fucking antiquing, threewaying, and hanging out in the hotel swimming pool?
Not really. I ate a lot of over priced food. And I got my nails done which is bizarre and will never happen again.
It's a waste of time and money. I usually can grow my own quite long but tried getting 'em done this one time because they were peeling because of the seasonal weather change. I have decided that it's better to simply endure having short nails for a few weeks when the weather changes rather than pay a mean lady to glue and scrape at my fingers.
-I'm glad to hear you say it since I never really understood why girls got their nails done. It seemed like all that time and money could be better spent, I dunno buying and using binoculars or some sort of telescope that they could use to find me so that then they could have sex with me.
Well that's a pretty daydream.
-Oh! You wound me, um anyway what'd you do in New York?
I hung out with Zak's friends from Yale and Vivid and Bob Coulter and Steve Prue. We did some photoshoots and played D&D and ate some yummy food in Brooklyn. We saw that movie about pet bugs in Japan called "Beetle Queen Conquers Tokyo" which I very much enjoyed. We went to see some art in Chelsea and we hung out with Zak's gallery people a bit. We also had dinner with an art collector and his wife who showed us their house full of expensive paintings including a couple of Zak's, and their cute kids, and their fluffy poodle who didn't seem to like me very much. They had a couple neat things, a good photo of a Russian girl and some paintings that were heavily lacquered and glittery and colourful. It was a bit of a strange experience being in that house.
-Um, can we see some pictures?
Ok here's one Bob took of me. That's all I've got for now.
-Whoa thank god I thought I was going to have to read a whole thing without seeing any pictures.
Well that's dumb.
Ok so you um, went to dinner with some art collector, what did you eat, like caviar?
No I didn't eat caviar. I had some sauteed spinach and some grilled fish and some fancy custard thing with fruit. It was very good. We were at a place they said they saw Bernadette Peters at. But she wasn't there that night. I like Bernadette Peters a lot. We got chocolates wrapped in a photo of some nude women which I took to give to my sister and grandma.
And Zak went to Yale? Is he rich?
Yes he went to Yale, no he's not rich just smart. He took out a big loan to pay for Yale like most people who go to college do.
-You played Dungeons and Dragons?
Yeah. These guys who Zak went to school with play of course. They are the people I had my first games with. Vivid played with us too this time, and Steve Prue.
This is Viv. She's a model and she makes beautiful hairpieces and wigs and dreads. She also just graduated from art school. She's my friend.
-So what happened in the D&D game?
Our Paladin fell in love with a woman with a leech for a head, Viv killed the Lizard-man King, we were in an opera house which was inside a giant turtle.
-Hey, I have a question, what version of D&D do you use?
In New York we play 1e AD&D. In L.A we play a house-ruled hybrid of 1e AD&D and 3.5.
-Why is it different?
Because in New York all the boys grew up playing 1e and didn't want to play a different version. They had their 1e AD&D books still. In L.A we play with some 3.5 books too because a friend gave me tons and tons of 3.5 books when he moved. Also Satine was already used to playing 3.5 not 1e AD&D so we compromised. That's why. Also our DM thinks that the save vs wands, staffs and rods and other 1e save categories are stupid.
-Is it ok if I write you a long, dorky email telling you that you should really play a different version of the game, or should play in a completely different way, or should play a different game altogether because that's what I like and you're just a dumb girl and so obviously don't know any better.
If you can do so and still be polite you may write such a letter but do not expect a reply that agrees with you. There is no chance that we will play 4e ever.
-But I like what I like and obviously everyone else likes the same things as me right?
Well honey, you may not have noticed this yet not having left your parents basement much, but there are lots of people who like different things than you and it doesn't mean they are evil or stupid.
-Um ok. So if you could meet any three people in the world who would they be?
Right now at this very moment they would be Joan Rivers, Stephen Hawking and Patton Oswalt.
-That sounds like a terrible orgy but maybe a pretty good D&D game.
Yup. I'd have said Leonard Nimoy but I already met him. I just wanna hang out with him some more. Also I feel like Joan Rivers would be a really great mentor or strong female to look up to as I get older.
-I feel like she'd be like "A rust monster? oh throw up!" and then Stephen Hawking would be like "DoNotBeA-fraiD...IwiLLproTectYou."
Yes. Like that. It would be wonderful.
-I also feel like if Joan Rivers was your mentor she'd tell you should learn to like getting your nails done.
Oh yeah? I'm not so sure about that. Or she might tell me that but wouldn't mind if I didn't listen to her about that.
-She'd probably also tell you, you should have ordered the caviar.
But there wasn't any caviar on the menu.
-I don't think Joan would accept that as an excuse.
Well that's why I need her around.
-Are you trying to be more Jewish?
Maybe my boyfriend would listen to me more if I was more like a Jewish woman. He has more experience with that kind of lady.
-He doesn't listen you?
Well you see I'm Canadian and from Montreal and my family is Catholic, and we are quiet, polite people who try to avoid conflict. And he is American and his family is Jewish and from DC and so he is loud and confrontational and doesn't seem to hear or understand quiet protestations or suggestions until they get loud and confrontational enough. (Though neither of us are actually religious in any way, the different ethnicities of our family's created very different atmospheres in our childhood homes.)
-Ok I get it. So you want Joan Rivers to be your Jewish mother?
No I want Joan Rivers to be my Jewish auntie because aunties are more fun than moms. I just crave a strong older female presence in my life sometimes.
-That makes sense because "older females" are probably the only demographic that doesn't read your blog at all.
Yeah, pretty much. And my mom and I get along really well but she doesn't have the kind of advice I feel I need with my very different lifestyle than hers.
-Should I send you a long and dorky email telling you how you're obviously a loser skank on a downward spiral who only knows how to deal with life's problems by laying down and spreading your legs because you didn't have a strong female presence in your life?
No way! My mother and a couple of my aunts ARE strong influences and very accepting but they are very far away and had lots of kids. And kids become your lifestyle. So they have little insight into a young woman's life who isn't planning on settling down and having children. I plan to travel and learn and meet all kinds of different people and bounce from city to city and country to country and maybe spend a few years in one place to get some university-style-organized education but otherwise I'm a restless wanderlust filled autodidact with a lot of serious medical problems that get in my way and yearning for some applicable guidance is completely natural and normal.