Mandy Morbid and Chapel Waste Had Fun And The Contest Winner Is...

-So who won your contest?

Dagon won for suggesting Tank Girl, which I had never seen before and fell in love with except for the part when they all sing and the kangaroo mutants were really stupid. But otherwise, it was great! Farson (and Benny) came in second for suggesting Primer, which was excellent.

-You've never seen Tank Girl?

Yeah, I'm a sorry excuse for a punk/goth girl.

-It's awful. I mean, the comic books are funny and stuff, but that movie is AWFUL.

Lori Petty is hot and entertaining. None of the other movies offered anything nearly as good to distract you from the poorly done sci-fi special effects and stupid dialogue. Besides, all my friends love it too, I had just never seen it. There must be some quality in it that appeals to young women of my generation that you just don't get.

-Ok, I don't get it. However, this "Dagon"--who, according to the internet, is a major northwest semitic god of agriculture also gets it--despite being born around 2500 years ago. Also, he should e-mail his address to you if he wants his prize. What do you think an ancient Ugaritic god wants with your panties?

The same thing the rest of you want with my panties? He won't get 'em unless he emails his address to me and if he wants a photo instead of panties, he should let me know in that email too.

--The only other thing I've ever heard about him saying is "I will have the kings of the Yaminites cooked on a fisherman's spit, and I will lay them before you."

Where does it say that? What is or what are the Yaminites?

--It says that "in a letter to King Zimri-Lim of Mari, 18th century BC, written by Itur-Asduu, an official in the court of Mari and governor of Nahur." according to Wikipedia. I assume Yaminittes are people from someplace called "Yamin"--extremely unlucky people.

Seems so.

-Some people say he's half-man half-fish...

Do they? How interesting...

-In "Lolita", Humbert says he had a pair of Lolita's underwear that he "stained with merman tears"--what do you think that's all about?

I think that's about Nabokov being poetic.

-Ok, so what's this week's movie all about?

Chapel came over to my house and we had sex.

-You make it sound so boring, but you make it look like lots of fun.

It was lots of fun. I'm just not feeling very articulate today.

-So did Chapel come over and she was all quiet and not saying anything and you too and then you were like Ok, now we have to have sex and then you did and then you were like, Hey this is fun?

Not exactly. But a little like that.

-She was in that movie "Porny Monster"--was she porny and/or a monster?

Oh. She was more porny.

-Of all the co-stars you've had sex with, which one was the most like a monster?

The monster. None of the girls were like monsters at all. Sometimes Zak makes monster noises, but not really when you're fucking him.

-You mean the tentacle monster?

Yeah. We shot it for the first time yesterday. Kimberly Kane, Ming and Zak and I all worked very hard.

-You worked hard to get fucked by a monster?

Yup.

-Did it jizz monster goo all over you?

Yes, it was disgusting. By the end of the shoot I was covered in goo and soaking wet and oily and had been spit on a fair bit too. Being violated by that monster really is a lot of work.

-T.A. wants to see you in that Princess Leia bikini--what do you think of that? What do you think of the idea of being in that bikini being violated by Jabba the Hutt?

Jabba is way more scary than my monster, but only because he's so much bigger I think.

I think the bikini is a great idea. But I don't know where to get one, especially one that fits.

-Do you have problem finding clothes that fit?

Yes. And so would you if you looked like me.

-So what would happen if you were captured by a Hutt? What would you wear?

It'd be the Hutt's problem. I wouldn't have to think about it.

-Ok. Read any good books lately?

No. Well, maybe. I read Martin Amis' new book, the one of essays about September 11th. I don't agree with a lot of what he writes about it, but it was still interesting.

-He seems to have been way more surprised than someone who'd lived through the 20th century should've been.

Exactly. And he overlooks some important factors when writing about the causes of the conflicts between America and the Middle East. He's very sentimental or emotional about the whole thing.

-Who is more girly: Chapel or Martin Amis?

Well Chapel is. But she seems like she'd be far more cynical about the things Martin was writing about in his new book I think.

-Alright. I think that's enough for everybody to have to think about for this week.

I agree.