Sunday, May 17, 2009

Exxotica + Really Long Review of New Star Trek Movie

*So what's up with this video this week here?

-This is me getting tit-fucked by Zak Sabbath and him coming on me.

*What does his cum feel like on you?

-It's warm, wet and varying degrees of sticky--gelatinous, or liquid. And it cools and congeals very quickly and then it's kind of icky sometimes.

*So it's icky once it gets cold?

-Sometimes. If it's more runny or watery or of thinner consistency it's not a problem.

*Interesting. Did you see anyone drink a stripper's breast milk last week?

-Yes I did see that. Well taste would be more accurate. Oooh South Beach Miami. So dirty.

*What were you doing in Miami?

-Was there 'cause my friends were going to be at Exxotica and I have a friend who lives there and it was just good timing. Only I was very very sick the first few days and so I ended up avoiding the convention floor.

*Wasn't there also a lesbian convention at the same time?

-Yup. The lesbians were noisy.


-They were hollering at each other from across streets and stuff. While sitting at outdoor restaurants even.

*Bi-sexual porn chicks are not noisy?

-I have yet to see a bi-sexual porn girl shout out at anyone they found attractive, male or female, from a distance.

*So you gotta get in close?

-I guess so.

*Was anyone else loud this week?

-An ex-SuicideGirl/ stripper we were hanging out with got drunk and then, yeah, she was loud.

*Was she a lesbian?


*Are SuicideGirls noisy?

-As far as I can tell, no, not really. At least not the ones I know.

*Are ex-SuicideGirls noisy?

-I only ever met the one, and that was the first time I met her so it's difficult to make a generalization about that.

*But it's fair to say that every single ex-SuicideGirl you ever met was noisy?


*So was there crazy porn star fun in Miami that everyone reading this should be envious that they missed?

-Maybe. My perspective is skewed so I'm not sure what everyone should be envious of. Sitting around for hours drinking and talking with Sasha Grey, Stoya (who occasionally would attack someone for fun) Kimberly Kane, the Popporn boys, Alektra Blue etc...Going to the beach with Nadia Nitro and KK, sitting in bed in a hotel room while Nadia and Kimberly both fall asleep on either side of me while watching the Simpsons and Family Guy...I dunno. Pink mojitos in the pool with Kimberly Kane? Hanging out at a bar with a tipsy Jenna Haze who gets totally excited and psyched about my tits and haircut and who absent mindedly kept humping Zak's leg while she tried to feel up Sasha. Is that worth being envious of?

*Um, from the point-of-view of me? Yes. Yes it is. So what's this about Stoya attacking people? Is she dangerous? Did she attack lesbians?

-No she attacked a boy. Maybe made his nipple bleed. I think I've done that myself at some point....So I don't think she's dangerous just unpredictable, which is fun.

*Did you drink drinks with umbrellas?

-Nope. Not me. But everyone one else did. I had sips of theirs. Brian Bangs ordered Zak a mystery drink one night called a Flaming Lamborghini, which of course was on fire, or sorta, cause it was windy where we were all sitting, but we got the point. He said it was very tasty. Then afterwards we got a few other people to drink 'em too. I think we got Kimberly Kane to drink one. I did however have a couple of Blowjobs, which one of the Popporn boys got on video. So that may pop up online sometime, or maybe not. Who knows.

*Um, at the risk of sounding even more pathetic than I actually am, what's a blowjob?

-Since we were talking about drinks there's this:

"An alcoholic drink.

In a shot glass (NOT a cordial glass):
1/2 shot Bailey's Irish Cream
1/2 shot Kaluah
Topped with whipped cream as high as you can make it.

After the shot is made, the drinker can do a liptease, and lick some of the cream off the top. If the drink has been bought by somebody else, this is almost a requirement.

The drinker places her hands behind her back, leans over, wraps her lips around the shotglass and straightens up, tilting the head back and swallowing the shot in one gulp.

This is a good way to get free drinks, just make sure you don't choke. It takes a while to master the technique of doing this gracefully and looking sexy."

Which I'm pretty sure I failed at. Since Nadia had to hold my shot glass up for me, though in my defense my shot glass was square shaped and not circular which is pretty awkward to get your mouth around, and I do have a very small mouth.

There's also this:

*So I see that you are on the box of the new Burning Angel movie...

-Yup. Me and Pixie Pearl. The scene is actually up at I still haven't seen the scene or the photos yet. So if you watch it write me and tell me if it's good.

*It's good.

-I know you haven't seen it. So you don't know. Maybe one of us has green goo oozing out of our assholes.

*It's Mandy Morbid and Pixie Pearl. It's hot. It's in the dictionary. Under "hot".


*THANK YOU. I was sta...I mean, following you on Twitter and I noticed you wrote "When a man is in love, is jealous, and has been flogged by the Inquisition, he becomes lost to all reflection" Is that true?

-I have no idea. The quotation marks actually include "...Candide said" so I guess Voltaire thought it was true, but Voltaire strikes me as being batshit insane and not especially clever.

*So you think we DO actually live in the "Best of All Possible Worlds"?

-No. I think if everyone can think of a better world than we should be able to create one. Only we suck and are stupid and selfish and immature and corrupt. So we don't.

*Ummm..well it seems to me then you agree with what Voltaire's saying in Candide, then...

-How should I know I wasn't listening the whole time the audio book was playing. I just listened to like 3 chapters.

*Do you do that a lot? Like put on classic literature on audiobook and ignore half of it? Do you know who won the Trojan War? Do you know if anybody ever found out about Madame Bovary's affair?

-I've never listened to or read Madame Bovary--I heard it was trash. And I do believe it was the Greeks won the Trojan War. Well some Greeks won against some other Greeks cause the Trojans were Greek too right? But yes sometimes I ignore what's on the radio. Maybe Voltaire loses something in the translation. We did Voltaire when I was still in school in Montreal. 7th grade (and in french). I remember the story we did being better than Candide. Or maybe it was just the guy they had reading it on my version of the audiobook sucked.

*Who's better: Voltaire the philosopher, or Voltaire the goth who did "Banned on Vulcan", or Voltaire the SuicideGirl?

-I like Voltaire Suicide best. I don't know what you're talking about with this goth "Banned on Vulcan" thing. But I just google it and it looks amazingly stupid. And I'm a huge Star Trek fan. And it looks amazingly stupid.

*Does it upset you that Voltaire called Canada "A few acres of snow"?

-A little bit. Canada is larger than the U.S.A--Oh and "Banned on Vulcan" doesn't make much sense to me, cause it seems likely that the Vulcans are so logical and in control of what's going on that they would never need to "ban" anything. Which Voltaire said that?

*Speaking of Vulcans, did you see that utterly retarded movie?

-3 times.

*Were those times utterly retarded?


Although I think a lot of the movie could have been way better and they or someone could have put way way way more effort into it/parts of it.

And there were stupid typical hollywood unnecessary redundant nonsense scenes (example the young Kirk stealing a car scene--typical tacky hollywood bullshit and ugh product placement, and the young Spock talking to his father about how he's troubled and half-human--yeah WE KNOW ALREADY-- obnoxiously obvious attempt to demonstrate Spock's emotional issues--felt like the movie was trying to manipulate me into feeling a certain way about the character and that's never a good sign--the bit of green blood they showed was cute though.)

And the villains and their whole origin/plot were really really weak and annoying and aesthetically awful--like-come-on-tribal-tattoos-in-space-don't-even-look-or-act-like-Romulans-ugh-so-devoid-of-creativity!!

And other things too...

BUT I am such a Star Trek addict that I still loved it anyway. I think it was very well cast and I'm looking forward to seeing the new cast really get more into the classic characters. New Kirk had a few great classic Kirk moments, new Spock too, although there weren't enough of the classic Nimoy-Spock expressions and mannerisms for my taste. Kirk and Spock both are totally hot too (but original Nimoy Spock was way hotter), so that helps. New McCoy was utterly brilliant and got Bones bang on, Scotty was great, Chekov and Sulu were good too.

Oh and Vulcan looked beautiful.

And simply, it was just a pleasure to see NEW Star Trek. The re-done spaceships, etc. I get goosebumbs when I see "NCC-1701" span across the starry screen. The alternate reality thing was a great idea since it doesn't upset fans attached to the "original" Trek history. I grew up on Star Trek. My sister, my dad and I all bonded over Star Trek. I had the fucking TNG video interactive board game when I was 11, my sister and I watched everyday after school (in high school) the Original Series, then TNG, then Deep Space Nine, then Voyager. (Space channel in Canada is awesome-by-the-way.) OF COURSE I'm going to love it.

I might have to go see it again. Like I watch all the seasons of all the shows (except Enterprise) over and over again on dvd, and I watch Star Wars (the original 3) over and over again and would get so so excited to them in theatre. Why is this any different?

*Star Trek sucks.

-Whatever. Most sci-fi sucks unfortunately--except for first 3 Star Wars, Blade Runner, Alien, Alphaville, and the Fifth Element. And Star Trek.

*Did you see that Star Trek porn movie Sasha just did?

-I saw a clip. They did her Vulcan eyebrows wrong....see now I'm just gonna be all ultra-fan on you.

*Does it strike you as strange that you spent all weekend frolicking in an exotic tropical locale with famous porn stars and you have way less to say about it than you do about seeing some movie every one else in the country also saw?

-No. The talking about the frolicking thing is I would be gossiping about my friends and who wants to do that to their friends on the internet? Not me. And I'm glad to be home from Miami. You know how at the end of vacations all you want to do is be home in your own bed? If we had of been talking about Miami while I was IN Miami I probably would have had more to say. At the moment though I haven't got much to think about aside from sex, my medical problems and getting to my doctors appointments on time, and then making more appointments and then Star Trek.

*What if your doctor was that Star Trek doctor and he was always all "Dammit Mandy, I'm a doctor, not a..." (whatever you were treating him like)?

-I'd be all "Well that's perfect 'cause I don't need a "whatever-I-was-treating-him-like" I need a doctor. Despite what I was treating you like. Can't you tell with that tricorder thingy that I need a doctor? Most people can tell just by hanging out with me for a few hours."

*Yeah, I guess that, umm, makes sense. Ok, is that it for this week?

-Yes. Bedtime.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Snow Beasts

*So I see this week we are confronted with yet more sapphic shenanigans featuring you and the adorable miss Coco Velvett...


*How does Coco'spussy taste?

-Like a fucking pussy.

*So you are of the pinion that they are all alike?

-Pretty much. Maybe I just haven't tasted enough.

*I see. What else have you been up to?

- I've been sick. A lot. I've been watching episodes of Deadwood. Sometimes it's an ok show, other times it's tedious and predictable. I've also started reading Perdido Street Station by China Mieville. Same assessment pretty much, good and entertaining at times and at others tedious and predictable.

*Perhaps it would be possible to arrange things so that every time, say, the sheriff and his wife were whining about their dead baby, you'd be reading one of the good parts of PSS and every time Mieville starts to slack off, there'd be a gunfight or unanaesthetized surgery scene on Deadwood...

-That would be nice. Oh I was also healthy enough one day this week to do some laundry. Youpi.

*"Youpi"? What the hell does "Youpi" mean?

-Like "hooray" but I'm from Montreal.

*According to that wikipedia entry, it is also the name of a "french/swiss jazzmetal quartet" whatever the fuck that is. Ok--I am playing a track by Youpi--found it on youtube--what do you think of this song?

-I have a bit of a headache already. So, I guess I don't think very highly of it, though I would have expected worse.

*Yeah, I feel like when you say "french/swiss jazzmetal" you prepare for fairly apocalyptic levels of suck. But these guys are just kinda--well "tedious and predictable" would be the phrase of the week, I suppose. ANYWAY: let us go to the mailbag...Bairdduvessa expresses a preference that you dress up like Marvel super-heroines and get fucked rather than DC ones. What do you think of that?

-*shrugs* I know DC characters better than Marvel ones--'cause my dad brought more DC stuff home when I was a kid so I don't know if I am informed enough to have a real opinion on that subject. My decision would be based on which costumes appeal my actual fashion sense and which showed the most skin. I can't say at all if that's DC heroines or Marvel ones. And I don't feel like looking it up.

Oh...I also shaved my mohawk off.

*So does that mean you are now bald?

-I was, now it's starting to grow out fuzzy. Does that still count as bald?

*Hey, save me from asking a million questions and just tell us the whole scoop with your long-term and immediate hair plans...

-I don't have any plans yet. I haven't decided what I'm going to do. I might grow the mohawk back only different, or I might let most of it grow back like a real girls hair and dye all sorts of fun colours and just shave a small part of it. Or I might just keep getting so ill and sleepless and irritated that I keep shaving it all off just to suffer through the razor burn as a means of distraction from all the other pain. I do quite enjoy picking scabs off my head.

*What do you think of this tibetan scroll painting of a vengeful 6-armed tulpa?

-I like it.

*Also in the mailbag, Ben says he never puts his dick in crazy. What do you think of that?

-Do attractive women who aren't crazy even exist? If they do, I'd sure like to meet one some day.

*Is Coco crazy?

-Of course. She's not boring. I have sneaking suspicion that 'not crazy" is code for "dull".

*What did you get for your birthday?

-An Aldous Huxley book, two Mad magazines from the mid 90's, some glow in the dark stars to stick on my ceiling, and a notebook and some drawing stuff and a drawing, an anime action figure called Pocco and a book full of anime character drawings, oh a trip to Disneyland with lots of my friends.

*Which rides did you ride?

-Space Mountain, the Haunted House, It's A Small World, and the Matterhorn.

*Was there vomiting?


*If there was a zombie or mutant invasion during your birthday and you had to and commandeer and fortify a Disneyland ride and protect it from ravenous marauders with the aid of your birthday guests, which ride would you choose?

-It's a tie between It's A Small World and Pirates Of The Caribbean.

*That would be fucked if you sniped at ravenous invaders while taking cover behind like animatronic llamas in "It's A Small World".

-Yes. And that would make a beautiful video game if Disney ever gave someone the rights to make it. But yeah, fucked too.

*Fucked. Yes, fucked. But wouldn't the Matterhorn offer the most advantageous tactical position?

-Probably, but you'd also be likely to fall off a ledge or trip on a Yeti or something.

*Have you ever tripped on a Yeti?

-More like slipped and ended up face to face with a Yeti. Happens all the time to Canadian school children, that's how we learn to run on and through the snow and ice so quickly and skillfully.

*I see. Is there a difference between a Yeti and a Sasquatch?

- Yeah, I think maybe a Yeti is like a winter Sasquatch, like Yeti's are white and grey and Sasquatch is brown.

*What about a Yeti and an Abominable Snow Man?

-Abominable Snow Men have more teeth and claws than Yeti do.

*How do they have more claws? Do they have extra arms? Or just extra fingers? Is that abominable?

-My bet is more fingers. Unless you have something really good to ask I'm about ready to fall asleep. Maybe. If I'm lucky. I mean I'm exhausted and I want to try to sleep soon.

*Does the difference between Yetis and Wampas count as "really good"?

-Ha ha. Yes. On Earth we have Yetis, on Hoth they have Wampas. That's the difference.

*But, wait, are they like the same species but on different planets, or are there more complex biological differences?

-I'm not a exobiologist, or an astrobiologist so I wouldn't know. Also I'm too tired to think about it.

*But you are a Canadian. Aren't Canadians supposed to know about snow-beasts?

-About snow beasts native to this planet. Not the others. Yet.


-Ok. Goodnight.